And not one of them has absolutely anything to do with a fault of mine. I’m perfect. Literally, a 10 out of 10. So with that being said, let’s get into it.
“Blatant narcissist.”
I’m not saying I think I’m better than you guys … buttttttttttt …
“Bad liar.”
Lying is bad, but being bad at lying is really bad. Not ethically — no, I don’t care about that.
“Lack of morals.”
My idols are Charles Darwin and the Purple Teddy Bear from “Toy Story 3.”
“Terrible sense of fashion.”
A homeless dude once complimented the fit. Still unsure how to take that.
“Emotionally unavailable.”
Can someone please explain what the fuck this means? I would tell you how it makes me feel when someone calls me this … but I won’t.
“Obsession with odd hats.”
So when Abraham Lincoln wears a weird hat, it’s “cool,” but when I do it it’s “fucking stupid” -everyone ever.
“Commitment issues.”
I’ve never gotten past the “about me” part of a book.
“Doesn’t care about the environment.”
Ever since a bird shit on me when I was nine, I swore off caring about other animals. Hey, they started it.
“Bad at reading.”
I am currently using voice writing to — no, Mom, mommmm, get out of my room mom, jeez Louise — Mom, write this article.
“I live with my parents.”
Netflix-and-chill turns into meeting my parents realllllll quick. Hell of a first date though, if by “hell of” you mean an absolutely terrible date.
“Terrible dancer.”
It’s not my fault white people can’t dance. Nature over nurture (shout out Darwin).
“I’m a hardcore feminist.”
I refuse to hold open doors or buy a drink because it supports the unruly sexist standards set by an oppressive patriarchy. I’m also selfish and broke, but there’s no correlation between that and this.
With that being said, if any nice ladies are interested, please get in touch. I’m lonely.
Eli Klein is a senior majoring in political science.
Views expressed in the opinions pages represent the opinions of the columnists. The only piece which represents the views of the Pipe Dream Editorial Board is the Staff Editorial.