The light hurts as you slowly open your eyes. Your head’s pounding and your throat is parched. As you begin to take in your surroundings, you realize — fuck, this isn’t your room.

That’s when you notice [insert random name] by your side.

Congratulations, you’ve just experienced a one-night stand and lived to tell the tale! But remember, there is certain protocol for this kind of sexual encounter, from your first interaction to the morning after.

Here are a few tips for you guys and gals to make the experience one for the books.

1. If she’s drooling, she’s not sober enough

Drunken encounters are usually sure to be a good time, but if she can barely speak sentences or stand up straight, you’re better off leaving her alone. If she’s that wasted, the sex isn’t bound to be that great anyway and, more importantly, you don’t want potential accusations thrown your way.

2. Sharing isn’t always caring

This is just sex we’re talking about, nothing more. So when you start talking to that hottie at the bar, keep it light and casual: majors, hobbies, the season premiere of “Game of Thrones” or the last book you read (although if he has actually read a book you might want to rethink the one-night stand idea and shoot for keeps).

Hold the family drama word vomit down and don’t rehash every meal you ate that day.

3. F is for friends

You’ve been giving each other “the eyes,” made your small talk and are finally ready to skedaddle. But before you head for a cab, tell at least one friend where you’re going. Whether he winds up being bad in bed, cuddling you so tight you can barely breathe or — and hopefully this isn’t the case — seems a little off his rocker, you’ll want an out.

Just leaving the bar without telling anyone you’ve left can be nerve-wracking for your friends, especially if you’ll be too busy to answer your phone.

4. As Scar says, “be prepared”

While it’s stereotypical for a guy to have a condom stashed in his wallet, ladies, if you’re going out with the intention of getting laid, slip one in your purse, pocket or shoe if possible. Unprotected sex with a stranger is just straight up stupid, so it’s better to be safe than sorry.

5. Perhaps a pair of handcuffs is in order

There’s a 99 percent chance you’re not going to see or talk to this person again, so why not enjoy yourself? Spice it up in bed, try some new stuff.

Girls, let him ravage you. Why not? Even if something embarrassing or awkward happens, it’s just a one-time deal.

6. When you see the morning light, get lost

There’s nothing worse than waking up with someone in your bed who won’t leave. I like to think 10 a.m. is the perfect departure time. Unless you’re passed out too, if your late-night friend isn’t leaving, say you have a breakfast with a friend, a meeting or work to get to. They should get the hint.

7. Watch where he throws your thong

If you know you’re both going into this with the mindset that it’s a one-night endeavor, then don’t try to turn it into something more. Leaving a bra, earring or even a sock behind so that you have a reason to talk to this guy again is a tad pathetic.

If he asked for your number, and you struck his fancy, he’ll talk to you again.