There’s no set formula for a “good-bye column,” I guess. But this is (unfortunately, sort of) the last piece I’ll ever write for this newspaper, so it needs to be good.
I’ve been asking around for some inspiration, but so far all I’ve gotten is more than a handful of “I have no idea”s.
I guess it’d be easy to write a cliché-riddled piece. Plenty of those have been written and have turned out OK. You know, tell my audience “not to be afraid to take risks” or “find something they feel really passionate about.” I hear it’s even more effective if you take a “Binghamton’s really not that bad” approach.
I’ll give it a try:
Well, this is it. My final column. My time here at Binghamton went even quicker than everyone told me it would, but these four years really have been the best of my life.
This place often gets a bad rap, but it’s not nearly as bad as people make it out to be. I love this place, and the best memories of my life came to be within this city’s limits.
College is what you make it out to be! Don’t be afraid to take risks and take advantage of what this great place has to offer — these four years go so much quicker than you think. Join a club, or play intramurals. Try some pasta at Lost Dog or take a hike in the Nature Preserve. Pledge a fraternity so you can stick your finger up someone’s butt and then pay them to be your friend.
Yikes, that went sour really fast. I knew that type of column wasn’t a good idea.
There are plenty of other options though. The life comparison — always a great one. Maybe I’ll give that one a shot:
Well, this is it. My final column. My time here at Binghamton went even quicker than everyone told me it would, but these four years really have been the best of my life.
I’ve learned a ton, like how sports are a metaphor for life. You set goals. You work as a team.
Yep.
… I don’t think anybody would actually want to read that.
What else is there? I could always go through and thank everyone that made my college experience enjoyable. But they already know who they are and don’t need me to write it out for them.
I got it! What if I just whine? This one has me written all over it:
Well, this is it. My final column. My time here at Binghamton went even quicker than everyone told me it would, but these four years really have been the best of my life.
But seriously? Why are we the Bearcats — it’s just so lame and completely focus-grouped. And why won’t seven members, instead of only six members, of my house chip in for blue bags? And why did Bryce Harper have to steal home in the first inning?
I’m going to cut that one short before this list gets too long.
So what’s left? I decided being cliché was, well, too cliché. A giant comparison to the course of life was too boring and elementary, and complaining about pretty much everything is what I do on a regular basis anyway — ask anyone who knows me.
So, that said, I guess I’ll just leave.