Hey Mom and Dad — remember when you framed that story I wrote in the first grade, while praising my talent and stressing the importance of always following my dreams? Well, congratulations. In a few months I’ll be graduating from a liberal arts college with a degree in creative writing and an insuppressible desire to be funny for a living. Nice work.
It must be pretty stressful for my parents to bite their tongues while I enter the “real world” without a stable job or any lasting source of income. That’s a stress I don’t think I, or many of you, as future parents, will ever want to deal with.
For that reason, I’ve come up with a couple of fail-safe methods aimed at discouraging your children from pursuing their passions.
If you’re thinking about bringing new life into the world, first consider remodeling your kitchen. Specifically, the refrigerator. It’s imperative that you make sure the door to your refrigerator has absolutely no magnetic capabilities whatsoever. That way, instead of accidentally supporting one of your child’s artistic or literary achievements by stickin’ it up on the ol’ Maytag, you can quietly pack it away in the back corner of a dark crawl space — something out of reach.
This lets your child know that their creative sensibilities aren’t even good enough to be displayed in your own home. Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s in this soul-crushing sense of rejection that accountants are born, so, jackpot.
Inevitably, your kin will grow older and discover new outlets in which to express themselves creatively. Disheartening, I know. You may find your son or daughter enrolling in a performance art group such as jazz band, choir or, worse, the Back-Stage-Make-Out Festival of Sexual Awakenings — Drama Cadets. All three are breeding grounds for future alcoholics and inexpensive drug abusers, so it’s important to stay on your toes during these formative years.
I’m going to guesstimate and say that it’ll be around fourth grade that you’ll be forced to attend your child’s first concert, recital or school play. Backhanded compliments work well in these types of situations. Regardless of the fact that you’ve been driving your daughter to rehearsal three days a week, say something like, “Hey, Julie, I didn’t know you were going to be in a play! What, are you pulling the curtain or something?” This way you subliminally heighten your child’s need to impress you.
When tickets go on sale, make sure your seats are front and center. It’s crucial that your child knows where to look during his or her big solo. Then, on the night of your little star’s performance, simply don’t show up. When your son or daughter scans the audience for mommy and daddy with youthful eyes, only to be met with empty auditorium seats, your child will be deterred from ever taking the stage again. Law school, here we come!
There’s one more thing to remember when trying to convince your child that his or her dreams are ridiculous. Make sure you can recognize a potentially career-making opportunity when it comes around. I can’t tell you how many times my mother has inquired as to why I was never interested in a career in medicine.
Well, Ma, remember the time I was playing doctor with Ashley R. back in kindergarten? Turns out I was smack in the middle of an intense three-hour clothes-removal procedure when you busted in and shut down my practice. So yeah, that’s why.
As a side note — Ashley, you never came through with your co-pay, and insurance is just refusing to cover it, so you now owe me 49 kisses and 12 long hugs in a dark closet.