It’s a fact: College students are fascinated by loud music. They simply can’t get enough. They listen to it when they want to party, study or interrupt others from studying. They especially love throwing flash raves just as you’re on the verge of falling asleep, be it 3 a.m. or 3 p.m.
Moderates have only recently begun speaking out, admitting the three or four black lights in their rooms are only somewhat necessary. A few have even questioned if dubstep is truly an art form. This is unheard of in the bro community, which prides itself on excessive drinking and the uncanny ability to get excited over anything remotely interesting.
Someone scored a touchdown. “OH MY GOD!”
An acquaintance walked by. “OH MY F#%^$&* GOD!”
So college.
Obviously, you don’t want to be that guy who makes a noise complaint, but it’s also unhealthy that you’re swinging at air trying to knock out the racket. Here are some tips that will level the playing field and hopefully restore your sanity.
Play that funky world music white boy
Folk music has a long, rich history that college students don’t care about. But they will, once you raise the roof with the lush tones of a Chinese restaurant.
Get creative. You’d be surprised just how unappreciated tribal music is these days. Whether it’s the guttural resonance of the Australian didgeridoo, the uplifting spirit of the Peruvian flute or the puzzling ambiance of Icelandic recording artist Björk, you’ll find that celebrating diversity has never been so rewarding. And remember, there’s never a bad time to catch up on all your favorite full-length operas.
You may notice a sudden drop-off in your friend-to-self ratio, but this is to be expected. The ringing in your ears will soon be replaced by that song stuck in your head.
Occupy Floor 3 M-X
If we’ve learned anything from Occupy Wall Street, it’s that you don’t need leadership or even explicit goals to take down the man. All you need is lots of free time, which is perfect for the college crowd. Just put up some flyers (“Wake Up! I can’t, you kept me up last night!”) and wait for the turnout.
Shhhh!
Of course, you could always switch into 24-hour quiet housing. Then again, nah.
What they won’t know will drive them nuts
You may be very tempted to bitch out your floormate, but you must resist the urge. Bros listen to so much Skrillex that even the harshest conversation will be soothing in comparison. The escalating sound of your voice will just make him crave the drop of a beat. You might as well be feeding him Keystone.
Instead, be too nice. First, you’ll need to push through the blizzard of noise. Put on your heaviest clothes, and remember a time when all you had to worry about was boy bands and “Now That’s What I Call Music 27!” Once you’ve journeyed to the end of the hall, plant the seed. “I just came by to make sure my music wasn’t too loud.”
He doesn’t have to know you weren’t playing any music. The rest should take care of itself.