It’s funny, all this time I’ve been writing in Pipe Dream as a sex columnist, but my columns have sometimes been slightly self-conscious. Sure, I’ve been criticized by many people, many times, for things I’ve said and things I’ve neglected to say, but that’s never really affected my writing. All I really say to that is keep sipping on that haterade. I’d say we could jam but you might just be jelly.
The real reason I’ve been occasionally self-conscious about my writing is because one week after being told that I would be the new sex columnist for Pipe Dream my sophomore year, my Greek Orthodox mother told me that she would be reading every column I published. Literally the only thing that could’ve been worse would’ve been my Yiayia telling me she would be reading them too.
So, in light of this being my last column, I’m going to let loose some advice from some of my personal sexual encounters in college. I’d swear I’m not a whore, but you can judge that for yourself. Oh and mom, don’t read this.
1. On the b’s, the j’s and the z’s: I like to think I’m gifted or at least not talentless in the bedroom, but sometimes there are things that cancel out even the hottest actions. If you’re doing something with someone who is not your significant other and who is intoxicated, and they fall asleep while you’re hooking up, leave. Do not try waking them up, do not go to sleep next to them, do not pass go, leave. Maybe take the five that was sitting on their dresser. Wait, no, that’s bad karma, just leave.
2. On the morning after: One of two things; either make them breakfast or leave with an awkward hug. If you care about them and you want this to be a regular thing, make them breakfast or buy them a Dunkin coffee or something. You can make it casual so it’s not overwhelming for them or anything. If you want it to be a one night stand, then it’s wham bam thank you ma’am. Offer to give them bus times because cab fare is too much, give them a hug and right out the door they go. One-night-stand etiquette really needs to improve because a lot of people are getting mixed messages.
3. On texting: I have never been more aware of the fact that I’m a bad texter than when I start seeing someone. People have lives where texting others is not a priority; I can work for hours without looking at my phone. If you feel the need to receive a text from someone you’re seeing every five-10 minutes or sooner, reevaluate how you feel about yourself because how I text does not reflect how I feel about you, and that could be the case for a lot of people.
4. On love apps: I could get you a nude in less than five minutes if you give me a smartphone that has nothing loaded onto it except for Tinder. In my opinion, a lot of these apps are complete bull if you’re looking for a real relationship. It takes a lot of luck to find someone right for you through this sort of thing, and even then you might find things that stop you from pursuing a relationship, like finding out about their marriage.
5. On love at first sight: If you meet a boy at the Rat and he stops you from doing a line of coke in the boy’s bathroom, it is not love at first sight. Love at first sight could totally be a thing, but you have to keep in mind that it’s the exception, not the rule.
6. On dating: If you’re seeing/texting/sleeping with multiple people at the same time, there needs to be a personal line for yourself. It doesn’t have to be well defined, but if you feel like you’re actively hurting someone, then I would argue that you’re being selfish and not making good decisions. Sex is not supposed to about being selfish and glorifying the idea of the “player” who leaves people in their wake. We should be trying to oppose that as much as humanly possible and in this sense, it’s not that hard. We just have to be honest, even if the truth hurts.
In my time here at Binghamton University, I’ve been called a lot of things, from a whore, a player, a man-stealer and a hot mess to a role-model, a clear leader, an excellent presenter and an asset. Regardless of how many positive or negative things I truly am, I think one of the titles that’s going to stick with me the most is the title of sex columnist. So thanks for reading all of these years BU. Keep it classy.
Xoxo,
Jake