Picture two beta fish in one bowl. Each must fight to the death for control of the territory. The stronger one will survive and the weakling will sink to the bottom of the tank to be eaten by the victor. Such is the nature of competition; weeding out the feeble to make room for the strong.

The greatest successes in technology, the arts, relationships, reality television and last but not least, evolution, are a result of this process. Where would the world be if evolution worked like a girls’ T-Ball game where everyone wins? We’d all be chimps contentedly chewing on bananas and scratching each other’s arses. I don’t want to be a chimp and that’s why I think increased competition is the only way to save America. Do you want to be a chimp? Do you?

The first step is privatizing the fire department. We’ve seen how well the health care system worked when we chose to treat people’s lives like expendable pawns in a giant chess game. Well, checkmate. It’s time to stop, drop and roll on your own dime!

Think about all the hot, sexy firemen competing to put out the flames. As your house burns down to the ground, you’ll have plenty of time to weigh your options and choose the most cost-effective solution. It doesn’t matter that they cut costs by sacrificing your Pomeranian to the fire. Maybe poor people will wise up and stop leaving their ramen on the stove. Burn baby, burn — social Darwinism sure is fun.

We can’t stop there. Our private sector firefighters need privatized roads and bridges. It’s not a secret that our nation’s infrastructure is collapsing literally and figuratively. Highways are the great equalizer, and I’m sick of hating traffic alongside all the peasants.

If transport became privatized, not only would we have shorter lights, but we could also carry all the well-to-do around on rickshaws, creating millions of American jobs. This is the bright American future that I predict: rugged individualists paving their own path, monster trucks trailblazing directly to their destinations, creating Prius pancakes without repercussions.

You may be wondering how we’d regulate such an anarchic state. After all, somebody needs to be a neutral arbiter and defend the right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. To you nay-sayers, I point to military contractors.

Instead of having the government pick favorites, each citizen will be entitled to the best protection money can buy. How many times have you seen the government use our armed forces to commit an action with which you vehemently disagreed? The successes of contractors like Halliburton and the Carlyle Group prove that corporations plus weapons equals efficiency.

Now that I’ve eased you into the novel concept of social Darwinism, it’s time to make the final leap. Why stop with the traditional responsibilities of the government? Why not just extend privatization to the big bad institution itself?

Economists always say that your most powerful vote is where you choose to spend your money. The invisible hand of the market will allow us, the consumers, to pick the most desired system according to our exact preference, right down to the color of the White House. I’m sick of it being white — let’s get some red and white up in there, maybe even a Monsanto or Exxon label on the door.