Have you ever been stuck in traffic, looking at the endless rows of cars, and caught yourself peering into the windows, attempting to catch a glimpse of the kinds of people inside? Have you sat in a stadium, concert or lecture hall with hundreds of people and thought, “What is their life like?” — I know I have. Almost every time I’m in a crowd, I find myself wondering, how did they get here? What experiences shaped them? What path led them to this exact moment? Beneath every interaction lies an omnipresent yet powerful realization — each person we see is living a life as complex and vivid as our own, yet we will never fully know their story.
The word for this feeling, “sonder,” was coined by John Koenig in “The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.” It describes the overwhelming awareness that, while we are the protagonists of our own life story, we are merely background characters in the lives of countless others.
For some, sonder can feel isolating. When you experience it, you realize just how separate yet intertwined our lives truly are. When you feel alone, do you ever wonder how many people are out there thinking about you? Or do you reminisce on times when you were surrounded by loved ones and support in times of independence? If you do, think about all of the other people around you thinking the same. Being able to think about your existence as a relationship with other people’s existence rather than a central experience on its own is a difficult notion to process. Knowing that your life is both the opposite of and the same as all others simultaneously can create a feeling of unimportance, leading to this feeling of loneliness. Locking eyes with a stranger ties your stories together for a mere moment, but the boundary between recognizing them and never knowing them remains forever. Even in close relationships with friends, partners and colleagues, there are still parts of their stories you will never fully understand. This realization can bring a strange, almost void-like feeling: “I am just one person among eight billion, each living a reality separate from mine.”
I believe, however, that sonder is not about feeling smaller than life alone — it is about knowing you are a part of something bigger than yourself. You are a part of the lives of everyone around you, including everyone you see, talk to and know, regardless of how deep the connection is between you and them. Knowing this can help to reprocess the negative feelings that accompany sonder and completely shift the idea of sonder to something invigorating and powerful.
Every day, we affect the lives around us, whether we realize it or not, and sonder can be mobilized from isolation to active, positive interventions in the world. A sarcastic comment you make, litter you leave on the ground or a door you let shut behind you instead of holding it open, all of which might dampen someone’s mood and alter the course of their day. But a compliment, a smile or a small act of consideration can do the exact opposite.
Sonder can evoke empathy and compassion for others in an almost undetectable way. Being able to shift someone’s mood and behavior for the day by, for example, having a brief conversation is a powerful tool for creating social bonds with those around you and reframing the idea that we’re blobs in a protagonist-driven movie. Understanding that just being nice to others can help them like you is an easy concept, yet not everyone acts on this. When you feel sonder you may begin to recount situations in which you could have been a nicer person, or when others could have been nicer toward you. Having these outward-looking thoughts not only brings you closer to understanding the motives behind your own behavior but also to understanding how your behavior and that of others are interconnected.
We have the unique and innate ability to care for others even when it does not benefit us directly. Today, there has been much debate on whether it is better to take care of all equally, even when some benefit more than others, or if everyone should take care of themselves no matter what. The ideas this debate evokes show the contrast between community-based approaches and individualistic approaches to how people believe they should behave and be treated in modern society — the biggest difference is the orientation toward sonder.
Those who only think for themselves may not be able to comprehend the lack of compassion they have for others and how that may affect them in return when behaving on individualistic motives. However, those who strive for strong communities even at a personal expense may have a deeper understanding of how empathy and compassion can drive future returns of prosperity and connection. Sonder can create the realization that you cannot escape the impact of others while also having the power to equally influence those around you. Choosing to use your power positively can create more beneficial outcomes for both yourself and others. Yet, focusing on using your power to separate yourself from others can only provide limited gain once you realize your community and support are no longer there for you, and that is when you truly begin to feel lonely.
This world can be chaotic, scary and demeaning, but it can also be wonderful. People who choose to think about others and accept how much they will truly never know are the people who help make the world an easier, more beautiful place to live, simply because they are not only thinking about themselves. To feel sonder is in part to feel selfless, to acknowledge that not everything is about you and that you also have the ability to make someone else’s reality better. Not only can you positively change someone’s life story, but you can expand the realms of your own life story by sparking relationships through kindness and love.
This is why I love sonder. It reminds me that, even in the vastness of human existence, I have the power to make a difference. Knowing I can bring a moment of light to someone else’s life — no matter how small — drives me to be more mindful. Each day, I make it a point to give at least one compliment, smile at a passerby or hold the door open a little longer. I do this because I know I will never fully understand what someone else is going through, but I can choose to make their day a little brighter and become part of their world.
The next time you experience sonder, don’t let it make you feel insignificant. Instead, let it remind you of the power you hold and be a moment of peace among distressing times in someone else’s story. You never know if the compliment on someone’s shoes is the one they needed to feel good about themselves that day, or if the $5 you gave back to them after it fell out of their pocket was the last cash they had. You can know, however, that whatever impact you made on their day will not be a negative, “sorrowful” one.
Merrigan Butcher is a freshman majoring in anthropology.
Views expressed in the opinions pages represent the opinions of the columnists. The only piece that represents the view of the Pipe Dream Editorial Board is the staff editorial.