It’s a new semester, which means we’re back living in close quarters with our closest friends and, for some of us, our worst enemies. With the end of summer comes the end of our sexual privacy.
Recently, I’ve had a few awkward moments of catching friends in the act; at the time, I wished I had had a few tips to handle the situation. Now that I’ve been through it, I hope my suffering can help you.
First scenario: It’s still early in the semester and one of your housemates has invited someone over for the first time. You’re lying in bed with your other friend and you start hearing that distinct “slurping” sound. This is a relatively safe case, and, really, you should just endure and let your friend have some fun. This is the perfect time to stream your favorite episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” and enjoy this moment yourself. It’s the perfect show to hear through a wall while getting a blowjob. With great catchphrases from RuPaul like “Don’t fuck it up,” you’ll hear your friend’s thunder-crackling cackle piercing through those paper-thin, off-campus walls. It’s a sure-fire way to make your friend stop sucking and come watch an episode or two with you instead.
Second scenario: After a long night of drinking, you finally get home to your bed. You’re all cozy and snug when you start to hear the sound of gagging through the vents. “Oh no, is Eddie throwing up in his sleep?” you think to yourself. In a hurry, you run up the stairs to aid him, but in the dark you turn on the flashlight from your phone and, with that tiny spotlight, you catch eyes with your friend who graduated and is visiting for the weekend and his freshman conquest. The two guys are naked and on all fours staring at you. What do you do? Best option is to just run down the stairs as fast as you can. Bring it up the next day over lunch at a diner and just move on. No harm, no foul. Just don’t let Eddie know that anyone had sex on his couch.
Final scenario: You’ve come home from a long night out. Traipsing from one unsatisfying party to the next, eventually ending up on State Street. Along the way home, you get two chili dogs from Champs. When you finally get home, you lie down. While browsing your phone you see the aforementioned freshman going down on another friend in your dining room. Overtly intoxicated, in that moment you can do nothing but watch. You want to close your door and stop witnessing this, but it’s simply too late; you’re mesmerized.
There’s really no great way to get out of any of these situations. I find the best way is to just run away in the moment to allow your friends to finish their fun, but definitely make sure to make fun of them the next day. What are friends for if not to pick on them for what you’ve caught them doing all over your house?