My life in Binghamton has taught me many things, not all of which were pleasant. The environment here showed me how complicated people can be and that I needed to put myself through trials and errors to realize that I did not yet know what I wanted in life. That is because it is one thing to like someone, but something altogether different to love and care for them, and putting people on pedestals can make you ignore their true spirit.

Until recently, I had an impression about love that was dangerously misleading: I believed that love was all about finding yourself in someone else — having all of your thoughts and emotions match perfectly with those of another person. Setting aside how improbable that usually is, my experience with relationships made me go through an entirely different kind of problem as well. Believing that love is all about finding “that one person,” I looked at the people I was with as if they really were just that. I didn’t care that people could have their faults and mistakes. If I found one thing attractive about them, that would be enough of a reason to think that they are who I want to be with.

Some call this obsession, some say that it’s a delusion. To me, the experiences from the past two years were, more than anything, a great confusion. Not knowing who I am and what I want, I sought for a long time to see whatever came across my path in an interesting way. In the end, I became increasingly aware that the problem was my not showing any love or respect for myself. Pursuing my happiness in other people’s lives made me forget my own value and made me someone mindlessly pursuing the vague idea of “that ideal partner” to no end. Pursuing a soulmate like this has its roots in believing that “you” aren’t complete and must seek someone who will fill the void supposedly inside you. I even blindly ignored all the negative traits they had during the relationship — that wasn’t meant to matter because supposedly, I had found my “soulmate.”

Looking back on those experiences, I understand more clearly what is now being said about the idea of soulmates — setting false expectations for one person to fulfill the role of an ideal partner and an identical reflection of your own image and obsessing over them has become a very saddening problem in our age. The idea itself can be traced back to early Judaic texts and Greek mythology, which sought to explain the nature of the human spirit through the stories of prophets and gods. Where old folklore wanted people to look deeper at their own hearts for meaning, the modern interpretation of the idea has become much more obsessed with finding a single person as a cure for all problems. The sentimental aspect of the philosophy is instead replaced with unhealthy and unrealistic expectations of bonding in popular culture — books, movies and other media.

Using my own mistakes in love as a guide, I want to show a new way to think about the idea of soulmates. If there is truly a problem about false expectations, the problem has less to do with having them in the first place and more to do with insisting on them.

In the case of a long-term commitment, attraction to who that person is at that very moment is putting them onto a pedestal, but you can only “know” that person by spending time and sharing experiences. We can tell what is right and wrong about us only when we have the time to learn them from others. If we should really find a genuine partner, we should let our relationships grow slowly rather than ignite instantly. Learning things from each other, sharing moments and investing energy into understanding each other’s minds is a solid path towards a healthy bond.

The beauty of this approach is that it makes us treat the people in our lives not as idealized types but as living human beings. We live, feel and think in all kinds of ways, and even if our characters aren’t an exact copy right away, moments shared together create a common ground and reveal our characters. Being compatible and having reliable rather than scripted connections is key to both having and being a trustworthy partner, as trust is the true foundation on which the healthy traits of a relationship are based.

I still believe that soulmates exist. The difference between my past self and now is that I believe in finding not “the soulmate,” but simply a compatible and honest partner. I imagine the fun I would have sharing what makes me happy, interested and excited in life — I think about sharing experiences together, which makes us understand each other better, and have bonding moments that tie us together.

To me, growing a relationship this way over time sounds much more exciting than merely counting on finding that impossible person. In every person I meet, I find a piece of my own mind but also something new that is unique to their character. What I look forward to is having the opportunity to share moments with a person that will make us stick together, and perhaps this is a better way to dream about a soulmate than the alternative.

Deniz Gulay is a sophomore double-majoring in history and Russian. 

Views expressed in the opinions pages represent the opinions of the columnists. The only piece that represents the view of the Pipe Dream Editorial Board is the staff editorial.