For the past month or so it would seem that my world has been falling apart. Earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes and floods seem to be trying to tell me that God hates New York State.
Amidst this chaos, I also found myself in a very messy breakup with a long-time girlfriend. While a lesser man may have been shaken to the core by such bad luck and truly bizarre events occurring around him, I remained resolute.
For you see, in spite of the confusion and the sadness, I have found something that has helped me remain steadfast. No, I haven’t found religion or discovered the importance of friends and family; I have discovered the elegant beauty of the Sony PlayStation 3. Having always planned on purchasing one, I used these tumultuous last few days to finally pursue my dreams, and I was not disappointed.
As I enjoy the finest video game system ever built, I can’t help but consider the difference it has made in my life. So, with such differences in mind, I have constructed a list entitled simply “The top five ways a PlayStation 3 is better than a girlfriend.”
Reason 1: The Price
My PlayStation 3, Call of Duty Black Ops and my high-definition television set me back about $600. Without getting bogged down in too much algebra, I’ll just do some quick calculations taking into account dinners, movies, anniversary gifts and bar tabs, and say that my new entertainment system cost me about one-thousandth the cost of a girlfriend. You can’t argue with math.
Reason 2: The Movies
With Netflix preloaded on my PlayStation, it lets me watch whatever movie I desire, whenever I want to watch it. I don’t have to argue with my PlayStation over the merits of action movies over romantic comedies or get in a fight with it when I find an actress attractive. My PlayStation will let me watch any movie I like regardless of the number of robots, aliens or female nude scenes.
Reason 3: The Simplicity
The PlayStation 3 is a marvel of technology and engineering. It is so intuitive and easy to use that it almost seems to read my thoughts. It doesn’t get jealous when I play computer games and it doesn’t tell me that everything is OK, only to hit you with an “error message” in the middle of a video game.
Reason 4: The Friends
The online PlayStation Network has nearly 80 million members, which is roughly 10 times the number of people who are stuffed into The Rat on a Friday night. Just think of how much socializing I can do through my PlayStation that I never had the opportunity to do with my girlfriend. Instead of being stuck with her obnoxious friends all weekend, I can get to know people my age from Sweden or Norway and then blow them up with a well-thrown fragmentation grenade — the Swedes I mean, not my ex’s friends.
Reason 5: It won’t cheat on me.