It was Oct. 3. It was a Wednesday. And it was the first presidential debate.
Hundreds gathered in the University of Denver’s Magness Arena to watch President Barack Obama face off against former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney.
Before the hour-and-a-half-long debate began, Vice President Joe Biden offered appealing words of advice to the president.
According to America’s finest news source, The Onion, Biden suggested that the president “rub one out” beforehand, so that he could focus on remembering to make eye contact with his opponent.
But Obama quickly dismissed Biden’s suggestion, considering it came from Biden. It was also his and the first lady’s 20th anniversary that day and he would be getting laid later that night anyway.
One of the most pressing issues debated that evening was America’s budget deficit. On average, we add about $3 trillion a year to our already massive amount of debt. According to Romney, though, the solution is simple — kick Big Bird to the curb.
Romney profusely apologized to Jim Lehrer, the PBS moderator, after saying, “I like PBS, I love Big Bird. Actually I like you, too. But I’m not going to — I’m not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for.”
The silent Lehrer had a very difficult time getting in any words that evening, but it was clear from the expression on his face just how devastated he was. Lehrer has been a moderator on 11 other occasions, but this one was definitely not his best performance.
Columnist John Podhoretz, a judgmental neoconservative, had something to say about Lehrer’s performance. Podhoretz said that Lehrer was the “worst moderator in the history of moderation.”
Another dominating issue affecting our country right now is Romney’s assumption that 47 percent of Americans do not pay income tax. Viewers anticipated Obama’s aggressive assailment on the matter, but Obama didn’t feel like bringing it up just then. Maybe at the second debate.
Devoted Democrats weren’t the only ones disappointed with Obama’s inability to berate any of Romney’s statements. The president’s younger daughter, Sasha, was as well. According to The Onion, Sasha asked her father after the debate, “Daddy, how come you were being such a little bitch? What happened? Were you on your period or something? Maybe the next time you’re in front of the entire country for an hour and a half you should try not letting another man spank you on the ass like that.”
It was also noted that Sasha insisted on helping her father search for his balls, because he certainly didn’t have them on him during the debate. Let’s just hope he finds them for the next one.
A few days after the first debate, on Oct. 7, Podhoretz wrote an article for The New York Post, saying that Obama is like Daffy Duck. He used the analogy of a Looney Tunes cartoon in which Daffy blows himself up with dynamites and Bugs Bunny tells him to do it again so that the audience will applaud again. But Daffy says, “I can only do it once.”
Podhoretz believes Obama is in this same situation. Well, not entirely.
“It’s beginning to occur to liberals that Obama also could only do it once — and that, like the unfortunate Daffy, the way he won the presidency the first time may have made it impossible for him to do it a second time,” Podhoretz wrote.
His article tells us two things: one, that politics and cartoons go hand in hand and two, that Obama needs the change he preached to the rest of America for himself.
Because of this first debate, I can definitely say my own opinions on the candidates have been swayed. But personally, I’ve always liked Ron Paul.