Dear Sarah,
This past weekend I asked a friend if he could find out if his friend would be interested in dating my friend. Ha! Long line of people, I know. Anyways, my friend responded saying, “I don’t think he’ll consider getting with your friend. He wants somebody that will sleep with him that night. Your friend seems a little innocent, maybe she should try to dress sluttier.” How do I explain to him that his mentality is completely problematic without making this awkward?
Sincerely,
The lonely feminist.
Dear The Lonely Feminist,
Consider yourself no longer alone. It’s hard to recognize who the allies are in an environment that is constantly testing our values, but you must trust that other feminists exist.
It is clear that you have a good sense of judgment. Meaning, your friend is probably a good guy who just doesn’t understand the implications of what he is saying. While it can be difficult and awkward to confront a friend, just remember that part of being an activist is educating one another.
There are three things I would stress to your friend:
1. While you may disagree with his desire to sleep with somebody, you can’t tell him not to. You can explain that the manner in which he is expressing his desire implies not only that girls are objects for him to use for his own pleasure, but that anybody not willing to have sex is not worth it.
2. I would then explain that an individual’s attire does not determine his or her level of sexual promiscuity. A person can walk around naked and still be a virgin. A woman can walk around in a turtleneck and sweatpants and participate in as many sexual acts as she wishes. Either way, she is not a “slut.”
3. Lastly, I would point out that people do not dress up to be labeled. They dress up to feel confident, and when you label them it can immediately harm their self-esteem.
Once again, disagreeing with friends is oftentimes uncomfortable. But a good friend will respect your opinion, and a true friend will take it into account.
Best,
Sarah