“Springhamton” is an adventurous time for men to reinvent themselves through facial hair.
Keep in mind there are underlying meanings and notoriety behind different kinds of facial hair before you put away the razor, though. If you’re channeling Super Mario for your mustache growing, you might want to consider how you will be perceived. As the clean-shaven look has become standard, unique facial hair endeavors become self-defining. The options seem endless, but some may provoke judgments.
Is your main food source Sonic slushies? Do you listen to Nickelback? The soul patch is right for you. You’re trying to say you are laid back yet deep. This choice of facial hair gives you a touch of rebellion and delusion. If you add a turtleneck and some tinted shades, you are on your way to elitism. Don’t look into the eyes of someone with a soul patch; your soul will be taken.
Maybe you smoke reefer and have a musical appreciation for Phish. You probably sport mutton chops. These bad boys convey that you are creative and edgy. You are bold enough to go beyond conventions of standard sideburns. A career path in the lumberjack industry may be fitting. Your destiny may be in a ska band. Respect will be yours. Go for a friendly mutton chop that leads to a mustache if you’re feeling ballsy.
If you’re manly, but whimsical, the handlebar mustache is your match. With this crafty ‘stache, feel free to be the leader of a biker gang. Or, pair with a British detective’s cap to invoke mystery and classy allure. The ladies will find your mischievous lip hair dreamy. With a handle bar across your face, you will attract all sorts of high class opportunities.
The unicorn of facial topiary, the walrus mustache is a prized and mythic style. It is as rustic and majestic as its marine namesake. Men who wear this are dignified and suave. This daring and respectable style will cause many to be tantalized by your charm. You’ll be drinking espresso and eating fine baked goods in no time.
I’m fun yet sophisticated. I can get down to business at my part-time job or throw back some brew-skis at a summer BBQ. I am not ashamed that “The Notebook” made me cry. I also take part in rollerblading competitions and come in third. Say all of this in one with the understated goatee. This minimalist beard will give you all of the perks of a full-on beard.
Irony is in. Stick it to the man with a copstash. This style is essentially a ’70s porn star ‘stache, but with an anti-institution edge. Set yourself apart from the other dirty hipsters who are still wearing unkempt scraggly Jesus beards. You’re going to be so provocative. Don’t forget to put on some aviators and manpris on your way out.
Two words: Neck. Beard. This style suggests your priorities. Postmodern art is more important to you than your facial hair. This level of disheveled hair maintenance or lack thereof is coveted. It says you’re consumed with creating, but are possibly homeless because of it. Pop some Jack Daniel’s into a paper bag and you’re on your way to subtle hobo chic. Attain a lifestyle that simulates that of a starving artist, but most importantly, don’t forget to write haikus and start growing an herb garden.
Want a new look that signals you’re either retired from a boy band or trying to make it in the rap industry? Wear a thin chin strap mustache combo. Stock up your iTunes with some 50 Cent and other mediocre mainstream rap from the early 2000s. One pro of this manicured look is that you will look like you’re wearing a hair helmet. That’s pretty cutting edge.
Not sure which way to go this spring? Scruff is the perfect answer to spice up facial hair this season. A nice five o’clock shadow lets us know you’re living the life and will shave the stubble eventually. It’s masculine and attractive. Maybe you can only grow a solid layer of peach fuzz. Simple, slap on a fake mustache and call it a day. Watch the new mustachioed look get you free drinks on State Street.
Shave and groom your facial hair or don’t, if you choose. But you will be judged.