Recently, the Princeton Review released its “Best 361 Colleges” rankings for 2007, and Binghamton University is ranked in the top 20 for several different categories. However, the unfortunate fact-of-the-matter is, every one of those categories is negative. They are: “Students Dissatisfied with Financial Aid” (#8), “Teaching Assistants Teach Too Many Upper-Level Courses” (#13), “Little Race/Class Interaction” (#20), “Campus is Tiny, Unsightly or Both” (#17), “More to Do on Campus” (#17) and “Town-Gown Relations are Strained” (#11). It is on that last distinction that we will focus this week.

We at Release believe that there is no reason why students and locals can’t turn all those negative vibes into an amiable and symbiotic relationship. With that in mind, we’ve prepared a guide to getting along.

Students

– Perhaps the worst thing that students do en masse is pee/defecate on townie property. Being drunk isn’t really a good excuse for that, and you really can’t do it acceptably until you’re at least Joan Rivers’ age.

– Students tend to drive like crazies. Seriously, it only takes one summer in Binghamton to realize how much more peaceful and pleasant the local roads are sans the extra 8,000 Honda Civics students bring with them when they return to the Southern Tier. When in Rome … don’t go 95 mph and cut people off on the Vestal Parkway.

– Townies are like deer or bears; they were here first, and should only be hunted when in season. Permits are required and necessary.

– If you live next to a local family, tone it down a notch. Granted, what you do on your property is your own business, but no child should ever have to hear your sound system blasting “Blue” by Eiffel 65 as they go to sleep.

– When you inhale illegal narcotics, do it with your shades drawn. Little Timmy next door, age 7, shouldn’t be exposed to that stuff for at least another four years.

Townies

– Sure, students are irritating and obnoxious, but BU is the largest employer in Broome County, and that means students are needed. Keep that in mind next time you want to call the cops on them when they throw a party.

– Most students are reasonable; if you approach us and discuss any sort of grievance you may have, we’ll treat you with courtesy. Hey, it’s better than having the cops called, aye?

– Dear Local, Students may seem uncaring and selfish, but that’s just our exterior. Once you get to know us you’ll see we care about our friends, and television, too. So don’t call the cops on us.

– Remember your own behavior as a youth and recall how much you didn’t want locals to sic cops on you. Mmm, empathy.

– If you walk around with a badge, nightstick or both, students will run away, guaranteed.

There it is folks. What it comes down to is that a healthy town-gown relationship is a two-fold path in which students act respectfully to locals, and locals don’t call the cops on students. Plain and simple.