Although official sources may indicate otherwise, I have an inside source (a credible one, although naming names would spell my demise) who has informed me that rather than deal with the incoming Spitzer administration, Lois DeFleur, our University’s president and a Pataki appointee, may opt to retire after 16 years at the helm.
After overseeing a glorious tenure, highlighted by the semantic evolution of SUNY-Binghamton into Binghamton University, any prospective replacement of a speculatively departing DeFleur must carry on her superlative administrative tradition. Here are a few nominees I present to Governor-elect Spitzer.
Juvenile: currently of Cash Money Records. Juvenile, the mastermind behind such magnificent rap epics as “Back that Ass Up” and “She Get it from Her Mama,” has demonstrated an uncanny skill for uncovering administrative waste and bureaucratic inefficiency, both of which plague New York State government and the SUNY system. Additionally, and more importantly, the flood-torn Southern Tier needs a leader who has articulated strong positions about emergency management. In his recent hit “Get Ya Hustle On,” Juvenile captures both his ability to combat government waste and understanding of flood management: “Everybody need a check from FEMA/ So he can go and sco’ him some co-ca-llina/ Get money! And I ain’t gotta ball in the Beemer/ Man I’m tryin’ to live, I lost it all in Katrina.”
Deep Blue: currently of IBM. The IBM Deep Blue chess-playing super-computer would make an ideal Binghamton University president. The geographical fit is obvious — his parent, IBM, was born in Binghamton, and thus it would be something of a homecoming. Deep Blue is most famous for defeating Garry Kasparov in a chess match. If it can beat Kasparov in chess, running a mid-sized public university is probably child’s play. I am quite surprised Deep Blue has not been employed by the Pentagon in their plans to solve the Iraq predicament.
Bill Buckner: formerly of the Boston Red Sox. Bill Buckner knows exactly how to deliver the goods for New York. The man committed the most auspicious error in the history of baseball, the game six error that allowed the Mets to tie and ultimately win the game, and then the World Series. Buckner has already done wonders for New York, and there is no reason to believe his baseball exploits will not translate into administrative greatness. Just don’t let him near the baseball field.
Jim McGreevy: former homosexual governor of New Jersey. Anybody who knows me will know that it would take some unusual circumstance, to say the least, for me to advocate an increase in Jersey’s influence on New York. However, the former governor of New Jersey offers Binghamton a unique opportunity. Forced to resign after it was revealed that he was carrying on an adulterous relationship with another man whom he had appointed, ostensibly because he liked his company, to the top anti-terrorist position in the state, Jim McGreevy nonetheless demonstrates excellent administrative skills. As it appears that his cronyism days are over, New York should co-opt Jersey’s talent, which is keeping with tradition. New York puts unpleasant things we don’t want or can’t fit in Jersey, and takes Jersey’s intellectual talent. Hiring a disgraced former governor should add enough notoriety to Binghamton to propel our rankings to unprecedented heights.
These are just a few suggestions. If DeFleur opts to stay on the payroll (and who wouldn’t? Her job is ridiculous, but she can’t pull off a bagel store in the Union …) she will carry on the grand New York State tradition of bureaucratic red tape, inert and inefficient government and wasteful spending. I love New York.