There are few non-religious holidays in our country that are more unnecessarily glorified than Valentine’s Day (with the obvious exception of Secretary’s Day. Freaking secretaries think we owe it to them!?).

I used to think, ‘Great! Here’s my annual reminder that I’m alone,’ as I watched couples skip down rose-covered boulevards and through heart-shaped fountains with cheesy, overpriced Valentine’s cards in hand (and then I would cry myself to sleep). Even now that I have a serious girlfriend, my thoughts have changed only slightly to, ‘Great! Now I have to get stuff for my girlfriend for this stupid holiday ‘ not to mention skip through that stupid fountain.’ Jokes and rose-covered boulevards aside though, this holiday has become way beyond excessive.

My problem with Valentine’s Day comes from the fact that nobody should feel the need to find a significant other around this time if they’re single, let alone feel an obligation to declare their love for their partner if they’re in a relationship. You can get ass/find a lover any night of the week, and more importantly, your love for another can be declared any day of the year and should be if you feel it. For some reason though, this specific day of the year is polluted with sappy, annoying cards, expensive jewelry, over-sized stuffed animals, flower bouquets, mass-produced candy hearts with sayings on them, dildos ‘ you name it, I’ve seen it.

It is for these reasons that I am proposing various ideas for this coming Valentine’s Day so that you and your lover can finally make this holiday a truly special one:

1) Asking your lover if he or she would like to try a different position for the day. What better way to say ‘I love you’ than from behind? Or in front? Or the side? Or all of the above if you’ve mastered those areas already. If you’re single and you ask your friends this, it will probably freak them out, but that is why I have also suggested the following.

2) Shaving your friends’ and/or lovers’ bodies. Nothing says ‘I love you man or woman’ like a shaved ass, head, grundle or eyebrow. You can shave the same thing into both of your backs if one of you is skilled enough with the razor (and if you and your friend/lover are particularly hairy).

3) Also, perhaps trying mind-altering drugs for the first time with your friends can open up doors you never thought possible! Perhaps you and Jim/Jessica were meant to be lovers all along but needed ecstasy to truly realize it. While I am not advocating the use of drugs, of course, I might be suggesting that if nothing else, you can get stoned out of your gourd with your friend/lover and finger paint your emotions!

4) A final suggestion to make this day unlike any other could be to take a poop in a bag that you and your lover can light and leave on the neighbor’s porch together! There is something about the aroma of burning poo that can spark a romance between friends or ignite a lover’s passion.

So, when next Wednesday comes and Valentine’s Day fever is in the air, remember that you need not have a day to announce your love for another and you definitely don’t need a day to feel lonely, but you can have a day to start a new trend that you and your lover and friends can share.