You think Binghamton has an inferiority complex?

The Binghamton men’s lacrosse team traveled to Cornell this weekend, opening its season for the second consecutive year against the Big Red. Two Pipe Dream sports writers went along for the fun.

An hour long drive and you’re there: Cornell, an Ivy ‘ a real Ivy ‘ not just a fake public one like they like to say Binghamton is. What a wondrous place!

But then you realize, it’s really the runt of the Ivy’s according to the U.S. News America’s Best Colleges report. You realize that Cornell is actually partially a SUNY. And you realize that their fans are classless and their press box lacks working plumbing.

So you get to Schoellkopf Field (a game that turned out to be an absolute Bearcat-shellacking) and want to watch from the press box. You, admittedly, make a mistake by not calling ahead for a press pass.

But after bugging a couple of people ‘ after your fellow lacrosse beat writer drops the line ‘Princeton’s press box let me right in’ ‘ you gain access (there’s an inferiority complex for you, bring up Princeton, U.S. News’ No. 1 school in the nation, and you’re in). And it’s a good thing, because it’s absolutely freezing.

You’re handed a bunch of pamphlets, Big Red propaganda that would’ve made Stalin proud. You flip ’em open and learn that Cornell lacrosse has no head coach. There’s no head coach?

Oh, no, just read closer: The Richard M. Moran Head Coach. Cornell’s just that special ‘ the head coaching position has its own title.

And then there are the team awards, 10 in total. That’s one award for almost every four players.

You have the Cornell Lacrosse Club Most Improved Player Award. I earned Most Improved Player once, at the New York Mets Baseball Academy. I couldn’t hit a thing at the beginning of the week but by the end, maybe slugged a soft grounder or two.

And then there’s the Dave Friedlieb Memorial Award, which is awarded to the person ‘whose enthusiasm, assistance, interest and compassion for the Cornell lacrosse team is greatly appreciated.’ Don’t forget the Joe Philip Memorial Award, for the team jokester.

So, Cornell’s a little full of itself. The game starts, Binghamton starts losing early on and you’re trying to write your game notes. What’s the guy in the seat next to you doing?

‘Hit him, hit him!’

Apparently at Cornell, the press box isn’t just for press. It’s for special Cornell fans who have no understanding that inside a press box, you don’t root, you don’t clap and you don’t hope the other team’s players get hurt.

It’s halftime, and you want to use a bathroom. But Cornell, which had a $4.3 billion endowment as of last summer, can’t get the pipes to work right in the press box. It’s too cold for the Ivy League. Have to go find the porta potty.

Then you try to go down on the field for some player quotes (again we mentioned that Princeton let us right in ‘ it didn’t work this time). Sure, the lady knows who you are, but without the little press pass, you have to go into the building back down and around. Thanks for the accommodation.

And the Cornell fans down in the stands? Obnoxious. People even the BU Zoo would throw out of the Events Center.

At the end of the game, you overhear the Cornell staff talking about some drunk Binghamton kids at the game.

Good for them. Their Bearcats were getting destroyed, the opposing fans were jerks; they should drink it away. Only problem is, they won’t have any place to evacuate their booze besides the gorges.

Princeton’s lavatories work just fine.