You had six hours of sleep last night and five cups of coffee, all of your finals are on one day, you have to sign a lease, put money on your meal plan, deal with your boyfriend, clean your room and write three papers. With all that you don’t need any extra crap to worry about. Thus, here is a bunch of crap for which you don’t have to smoke the worries away!
Chowing too many choco-chip cookies while studying? It’s OK! Chocolate is proven to help you improve your memory. Plus, 17 percent of college girls are overweight or obese, so you won’t be alone in gaining those few extra pounds from all that memory-improving. Those 16-ounce coffees aren’t so bad for you either: they improve your digestive tract system, and people who drink coffee are less likely to commit suicide than people who don’t. Yay! Don’t kill yourself — have a cup of coffee!
Although, sorry girls, there may not be too many vitamins in cookies and fries, but I have good news! Semen contains small amounts of more than 30 elements, including fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, lactic acid, nitrogen, vitamin B12 and various salts and enzymes. Oh, and mad protein if you’re hittin’ the gym.
High school- and college-aged kids average 6.1 hours of sleep a night. That includes those jerk goodie-goodies who sleep like 8 hours (jerks). But, misery loves company, and knowing that most people your age don’t sleep either should give you a warm twinge of satisfaction in your choco filled belly, mmmm.
You also may be sitting there worrying, “Do I have too much sex? Will I catch an STI???” Sure, you may catch something, but don’t worry, some people are worse off than us! Jazz fans and gun owners are among the most sexually active Americans! Miles Davis and a long, hard, black AK-47 get me nude faster than you can get a parking ticket on campus. So, if anything, those damn jazz hippies go first! Also, women who went to college are more likely than high school dropouts to enjoy both the giving and receiving of oral sex. That’s definitely where “get brain” came from. Now you know if someone calls you a stupid cocksucker, one of those insults isn’t true. Smart and healthy (revert back to the nutritional facts of manjuice).
Some of you gentlemen may have the opposite worries toward sex. “Why isn’t Sir Toppem Hat standing tall today?” or “Why the fuck won’t you stay up for more than three freakin’ minutes?!” Don’t worry, one in 10 men experience impotence, and it’s probably due to stress. Also, according to the American Urological Association, premature ejaculation may be the most common male sexual disorder. It is estimated that PE may affect 27 percent to 34 percent of men across all age ranges. Thus there are many support groups, where they offer, um, support … and probably pictures of some sort.
Hopefully, now you can concentrate on studying for your finals without worrying about that genital itch that 50 percent of your friends have too! So take a deep breath, look at all the suffering around you and feel better by comparison.
— Maya Fiks is a sophomore math and chemistry major. Being the good student she is, she made us a work cited for this column, so before you call her a dirty liar, e-mail us and we’ll share her sources with you for whichever fun fact you’re skeptical about.