I think we can all agree that Tuesday’s debate had something terribly wrong with it. I am referring, of course, to the fact that it was on at 9 p.m., at which time all good people should be watching “House.” I felt, however, that it was only fair to watch the debate and not hold grudges for my inability to get a Hugh Laurie fix.
This was a terrible idea on my part.
Let’s face it, when Tom Brokaw is the most charismatic person on screen, things are looking grim. As is usually the case at a town hall debate like Tuesday’s, the two candidates just spouted off their stump speeches and quoted numbers. I present to you the CliffsNotes version of the debate:
John McCain: My friends, maverick maverick special interests, maverick my friends. America, my friends, strong Americans, I maverick understand America, my friends. Maverick. Thank you, Tom.
Barack Obama: Change, change, now change. We’ve got to work now for change. I will now spew numbers that mean nothing to you. Change, for God’s sake, hope hope change hope. Numbers. Hope numbers. Thank you, Tom.
If that had been the actual exchange, I could’ve gone to bed early with the sense that I hadn’t lost valuable hours of my life, hours that I will never be able to recover.
I’m going to say that the debate went to Obama overall, but it was a stunning display of mediocrity on both sides. McCain tried to come off as tough, but instead seemed like a cyborg whose circuitry was carved out of shale and sandstone in the days of the Book of Job. Obama tried to come off as hopeful yet knowledgeable, and wound up seeming kind of like that earnest asshole who gives you financial advice at parties.
When I listen to these two debate … OK, “debate” is certainly the wrong word. “Talk.” “Dance around the issue.” “Speak without saying anything to each other.” It’s terrifically boring and doesn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. McCain knows what he’s talking about but is an enormously dishonest prick most of the time, while Obama is sometimes inspiring and sometimes reminds me of a mollusk who spends all of his time defending himself and eating. I’ve known this since May.
We need something different. Not a conventional debate. How about a cage match? Obama and McCain are sealed in a wrestling ring, fresh with the scent of man sweat and body wax. They are given a topic; they have 15 minutes to argue about said topic. No rules, except they can’t hit each other unless they are given permission. They may, however, get up in each other’s grill and scream their precious little hearts out.
See? That’d be interesting. We might find something out about the candidates we didn’t already know. And I wouldn’t even mind missing “House.”