Problem: men are clueless when it comes to pleasuring a woman.

This might be news to some but, because of this, women feel the need to fake an orgasm. Now, I know that all of the guys reading this right now are thinking, “That’s crap. I’m the MAN when it comes to taking care of the ladies” [insert proud, foolish grin]. You’re all lying … but it is not your fault. Join me as we blame the wo-man, for once, for holding us down.

Ladies, it all starts with anatomy. I’m no biologist, but I know that the female genitals are far different from the male. Therefore, your “parts” need to be handled far differently than ours. Men know what works for them (hand jobs are the devil and most girls try to imitate video games rather than pleasure the guy), and you women, with your fake orgasms, feel the need to lie to the men.

Let us now, as men and women, be honest together. No one, not even you, knows what the hell is going on down there. The male crotch is far more explicit in its design, as compared to the tricky, intricate “folds and flaps” (as I have nicknamed them) of the vagina. Sad to say, most guys have no idea how to find their way around south of the equator, and even if they do, what to do with this knowledge is also a problem. Do I rub? Do I tug? Do I coat it with chocolate syrup? This typically results in “Ow!” and “What the hell are you doing?!” before any pleasure is achieved.

In the defense of women, I will say this: given the nature and positioning of the sexual organs, it is easier for men to achieve an orgasm than it is for women. Ladies know that it doesn’t take much for their guy to get geared up and ready to go, where as hours of foreplay must be performed to even come close to a female orgasm.

Touching a male, or even speaking too loudly, could risk sudden, unintentional explosion and embarrassment for all; women lie idly by as their men try frustratingly to figure their way around down there. Women, you might have the satisfaction of being able to get your dude off in time to catch “Desperate Housewives,” but the only things we have to look forward to are neck pains, stinky breath and the potentially chronic lockjaw that come with taking care of you.

Solution: women, you need not fake your orgasms.

You seem to like skipping the all important step of communication between partners, whether it is a three-year relationship or a dude who bought you a drink in the bar. You need to understand that we men are like obedient puppies that merely need training. If you rub our bellies (and perhaps somewhat lower) and then “potty train” us, we will surely not poop on your rug … we might munch on it, but in the end, isn’t that what you want?