Squares, prudes, abstainers … we are all familiar with the common words used to describe those of us that opt not to indulge in sexual intercourse and/or other such relations, i.e. oral sex. While many of us find it easy to scoff at this idea (because we know that sex is awesome!), there is something to be said for those who have the capability to adhere to their principles when it comes to these issues.

In recent discussions with my friend Julian (a self-proclaimed sex-pert) though, it was decided that while the abstainers usually refrain from dirty sexual acts entirely, there can be ways of implementing sexual acts without stretching moral boundaries too far. Also, even the sex-freaks, whose sex drives are reminiscent of bunnies, could use ways to spice up their love-making. So we decided (only after a nice veal roast with apricot-thyme chutney) that the time has come to cater to the needs of you non-sexers and you mischievous sexual creatures, who are no doubt having sex as you read this article, alike.

Whether you are looking to merely spice up your already active sex life, or you are in need of a move that doesn’t necessarily require the use of one or more orifices, here is a list of (admittedly gross) alternative maneuvers to use at your own discretion:

1) Placing the male’s member into the breast region of the female and shaking/moving vigorously (also known as mammary intercourse or a “boob-job”).

2) Placing the male’s member into the region between the female’s upper ear and temporal bone (also known as “Taking the SAT”). This works better if your partner has particularly large ears.

3) Positioning the female’s feet on both sides of the male’s member (“The Glass Slipper”). Be sure to wash feet — and member — both before and after.

4) Having the female straddle the male’s abdomen while the male does crunches (known as the “AbFlex 5000”).

5) Placing the male’s member between the cheeks of the buttocks of the female and moving in a general north-south direction (“The Sword in the Stone”). Be advised that this specific maneuver might be too close to an actual orifice for comfort.

6) Placing the male’s member underneath the female’s armpit region and, once again, shaking/moving briskly (known, in most cultures, as “The Bagpipe”).

7) Hand jobs (needs no explanation).

While these calisthenics exercises are only theoretical, the hope is that, at the very least, you abstainers will now have a list of movements that you can perform that will allow you to engage in sexual acts, if you so choose, while still maintaining (to a certain extent at least) your values. As for you nymphomaniacs among us, hopefully this list will provide you with some new moves to try when you get bored with the usual sexual antics. Good luck to all!