“The Man’s Guide to the Opposite Sex:” Some dos and don’ts of trying to pick up the ladies in social settings.

Do: Dress to impress. You don’t need to wear your “Sunday best” to see a girl in your bed come Sunday morning, but you should certainly shower, apply deodorant (important step) and dress well enough to be presentable to the opposite sex.

Don’t: Wear bright or odd colors/outfits to make yourself more noticeable than other males. This is not the animal kingdom here — you need not wear some distinguishing color or hat to show that you are ready to mate. We are men; everyone knows that we are ready to mate.

Do: Compliment the girl. Saying something like, “Wow, your eyes are beautiful,” is flattery, and flattery can be your friend when used effectively.

Don’t: Give the girl a backhanded compliment. Saying something like, “Wow, your eyes are beautiful — they really draw attention away from that giant zit,” is extremely idiotic and will only get you a slap in the face.

Do: Check out the girl (or girls) you are seeking. A little glance can show the girl you’re interested, which might ultimately open up the opportunity for you to walk on over and meet her.

Don’t: Stare the girl down to show her that you are the alpha male. This is strange and usually results in the middle finger and/or some declaration of your creepiness to all.

Do: Buy her a drink or two. This should not be an attempt to get her wasted so you can bring/carry her home with ease, but can act as a way to show your chivalry and willingness to pay for the female.

Don’t: Buy all of her friends drinks. You, like me, are probably a poor college guy who needs what little cash he has to buy an inadequate pizza for Sunday football games. Save your money, gentlemen, because the truth of the matter is that you won’t be having a three- or foursome this evening. Be realistic and spend wisely.

Do: While on the same subject, make sure you, yourself, are drinking to help ease your nerves. A calm, collected man with reduced inhibitions will find it easier to take that initial leap of faith and talk to a girl than one who is uptight, nervous and most likely sober.

Don’t: Drink so much that you can barely form sentences, let alone stand still. Scrambled, drunken sentence fragments like, “Hey … you’re in my hott class and I want to screw” coupled with throwing up on a hottie is not cool, guys. This is neither a turn-on for the ladies nor an effective way to go through life.

Do: Ask the girl if she’d like to dance if at a club and/or party. Dancing can be a fun way to get close (aka — bump and grind) with the girl for a little, thus allowing you to get closer both emotionally and physically.

Don’t: Tell the girl that there’s a club and/or party in your pants that she can dance at. This is a bad pick-up line and will also result in a swift nut-kick in most cases.

Lastly,

Do: Be kind, considerate and funny at all times.

Don’t: Use the C-U-N-T word under any circumstance. Apparently girls dislike this word very much. Consider less offensive synonyms or the usage of acrostic phrases: “Cee U Next Tuesday,” or “Could U Not Talk” and so on.

While there are many, many more rules and regulations you should follow when seeking the opposite sex, hopefully this short list will provide you a framework with which to mold and make your own. Good luck gentlemen and Godspeed.

Jake Altman is junior anthropology and English major, and he too just can’t wait to be king.