And on the sixth day, G-d created man and woman. He blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it ‘ but in case you and Eve decide to get a little naughty, wrap your thing up, Adam!’

That’s right, all you boys and girls (and heathens) out there, this week’s article is about contraception. While we men and women might’ve evolved to our current biological state to maximize our reproductive capabilities, having little babies is absolutely the last thing on our minds. Now, I know choosing the right kind of condom can be a confusing and arduous process, but I hope to shed light on various brands, sizes, flavors and all sorts of things relating to getting down and ‘dirtay’ (please forgive my attempt at ghetto-fab slang).

Beyond creating man in his image, your lord (or my lord, our lord, one of many lords, etc.) also created man in all shapes and sizes. Everyone, from Hefty Harry to Lanky Franky, varies in body shape and, more importantly, appendage size. Now, regardless of how much sex you have, it is of the utmost importance that you choose condoms that best fit your personality and your ‘old faithful’s’ girth. Some men seem to like the ‘Tuxedo,’ from Lifestyles, due to its formal nature. Got an important dinner party that needs the perfect accoutrement? Need to get down and dirty after a lengthy SOM business meeting? This ‘man tuxedo’ might just be for you! However, regardless of how formal your social engagement might be, it is probably more important to find a condom that best fits your man mass in size rather than attitude. The ‘Magnum,’ by Trojan, for all your boastful, literally big-headed and otherwise lying assholes out there is the appropriate condom choice if you’re packing heat. Conversely, the ‘Snugger Fit’ condom, from Lifestyles, might be the right choice if your pecker is nothing more than a devastatingly small seed shooter. Now, a small crotch is nothing to be ashamed of. At the same time though, perhaps a dimly lit room or placing the snugger fit model into the magnum packaging might serve those of you with ‘little willies’ out there well.

In addition to condoms though, the issue of contraception cannot be complete without the discussion of a pill ‘ and I’m not talking about Viagra here. ‘The pill,’ as it’s commonly known, is a contraceptive containing estrogen and progestin to inhibit ovulation and ideally prevent conception. It is the most popular kind of contraception for all you females out there. While there are many brands out there, it is important to point out that, generally speaking, the pill, while roughly 99 percent effective, does not protect against reproductive tract infections and STDs, including HIV/AIDS. That means that having sex with a girl who is on the pill while not wearing a condom is not always the best combination. So, to all you college coeds who are rounding the bases without a helmet on, you should be forewarned that the ‘umpire’ ‘ which can take the form of leaky discharge, any such sexually transmitted disease, or the dreaded HIV ‘ can still call you out. Game over, home team loses!

So, while G-d created men and women to go forth and multiply (and it was good), if you’re engaging in sexual activities, remember that, regardless of whether you’re wearing extra sensitive, extra small or extra thick condoms, superfluous amounts of lubrication or are on the pill, you must be careful! And, of course, the most reliable form of contraception is simple abstinence, but, as many of you know, playing with ‘dora the vaginal explorer’ and the ‘fish taco’ is just more fun.

‘ Jake Altman is a junior English and anthropology major, and no one knows more about contraception than Antonio Banderas, the Don Juan of Latin love!