There are many societal demands placed on us these days: being politically correct in all areas, bathing regularly, no indecent exposure in public, no public defecation (which I personally disagree with) … you get the idea. These are all well-known and, with the exception of certain people not following the indecent exposure rule this past Halloween, are relatively well-followed. There is another demand, though, that is not as universally known as the above. It is followed only occasionally, but the potential ramifications of actually fulfilling this demand could be more than the human mind could comprehend!

That’s right, guys and gals, I’m talking about chivalry. “What?” you ask. “Why?” you cry. “What’s this cracker talking about?!” you wonder. Well, let me explain.

The reason I am bringing this topic up is because, as a male, chivalry can play an integral role in the courtship of “the female” — a creature whose feelings, actions and thoughts can never truly be tracked or understood. I must be honest though, men — we tend to suck at this so-called courtship. I know this probably doesn’t apply to all of you guys out there, but seeing as I have heard far too many girls complain about their men not doing what they’re expected, I feel it’s necessary to impart my knowledge of chivalry (I know, how very chivalrous of me).

From what I’ve heard, girls like being taken care of by their men … and for once, I don’t mean in the sexual way (but that is courteous as well). Ladies, whether they admit it or not, like having their guys act in kind ways, be it by opening a door, paying for the meal on a date or buying a random and unexpected present. Unfortunately (and admittedly), though, most men tend to act like crazed lions on the hunt when it comes to any sort of courtship. Instead of trying to woo our favorite gazelle, we end up chasing her down, pouncing and eventually eating her (if she’s lucky) with uncoordinated jaw thrashing. You wonder why she doesn’t wanna hang out again? It’s because you jumped the gun, pounced too fast and didn’t stop to think about what might ultimately help you the most! Instead of pouncing, you lion you, you should’ve considered buying flowers for her, asking her where she’d like to go for dinner, potentially paying for the subsequent dinner and then figuring out which way she likes to be eaten the best.

The bad part for you guys out there is that having a girlfriend, or even an occasional lady or two, costs money. We are in college; we have no money, thus creating a problem. But have no fear, men. You can cut corners where needed, for when your lady knows that you’re thinking about her, that might be good enough. You don’t have to go to Number 5 and drop $100 on dinner. Instead, you can throw a blindfold on your gal and take her on a surprise dining adventure to a fine establishment such as Wendy’s, whose dollar menu goes unrivaled (disclaimer: the girl might not actually enjoy Wendy’s, despite it being a cost-effective meal, but I trust you to use your discretion). Open the car door for her, tell her she’s beautiful. If you don’t think she’s beautiful, then why are you with her in the first place?

In the end, chivalry can provide a guy with the opportunity to show that men are actually nice. We aren’t just chauvinistic assholes who care only about ourselves … we are chauvinistic assholes who can occasionally be nice! (When we aren’t thinking about ourselves of course.) Men, do what is demanded and you will reap the benefits of your kind actions. (In case you don’t though, it’s probably because you’re ugly.)