In the game of love and lust, men and women will stop at nothing to conquer each other. This all-out battle royale, winner-take-all domination station between the sexes can be seen at all times, with each side trying to gain the upper hand (or the man advantage, if you will).

For example, the female will travel in packs to the bathroom for no apparent reason at all. Why do they do this? Most guys will tell you (wish that) the women are making out and filming it for us to see. Sadly though, this thought is foolish and untrue (at least the filming part is). This is a strength-in-numbers tactic, gentlemen! The female will try to gain the upper hand by making you wonder what’s going on in the bathroom that requires more than one woman to go at a time, or, better yet, making you wonder if they are talking about you. Regardless of what’s going on in there, who took the bigger shit, or whose butt looks bigger, this move, as well as any sort of attempt to gain the upper hand, must be counteracted. Enter the wingman!

For every Batman, there’s a Robin, for every Maverick, there’s a Goose, and for every Baxter the Bearcat, there’s a Lois DeFleur to back him up. The wingman can quell almost any female attempt to gain an edge on the evening. Does the girl you’re after have a female friend at her side who will certainly cock-block you two for the duration of the night? Throw the wingman at her! Does the hottie you fancy have a younger sister (hopefully of legal age) in town that needs to be shown a good time? Yet again, the wingman is in the hiz-zouse!

Being a skilled wingman is an art form unto itself. First and foremost, your loyal buddy must understand his mission: to comfort you if things aren’t going well, to defend you if rumors or questions arise that defame your character, to prevent the usual cock-blocking/interference by the female’s friends, to laugh at your jokes, to laugh even harder at your bad jokes, to tell you if you’re too drunk and/or being an idiot ‘ the list is endless. Then, on top of that, your wingman must also be a secret intelligence agent. He must be able to gather info on the desired girl. He can let you know if she has a boyfriend, if she’s bisexual, if she has a bisexual boyfriend (the last one being the least desirable of the three, but the wingman can figure it out). Furthermore, your buddy must even be prepared to lower his standards if the long-legged beauty you’re conversing with has a shorter, scarier-looking friend in need of some man-love.

Even with all of these duties to fulfill in your scoring attempt, you and your wingman must also devise a top-secret, intricate list of gestures to let each other know if the evening isn’t going as planned or if there are two other more attractive girls on the other side of the bar. Be it a cough, a nose twitch, pulling your left ear twice or farting with your left butt cheek raised ever so slightly, you and your wingman must know what’s going on so that you two can move as a team.

So, gentlemen, you need not worry that the female will outwit you with her bathroom visits, small handbag/purse thing that can only hold a toothpick or constant reapplication of lip gloss. If you have your wingman at your side, there is nothing you two can’t accomplish! (Unless you’re ugly, in which case you’re shit outta luck.)