Every version of Windows has sucked. Every one. But let’s get into the ones you’ll probably be using: XP and Vista.

Internet Explorer: Windows could be aptly renamed ‘Ten Thousand Pop-Ups.’ Up until the most recent of releases (Explorer 7), there has been zero support for tabbed browsing ‘ something still unfamiliar to most of the Windows populace. Tabbed browsing is a system by which one browses multiple Web sites within just one browser window. In the past (and probably the present, with the average user), in order to browse multiple Web sites users have had to keep torrents of little boxes open all over their workspace, which just adds to the already palpable frustration of using Windows. Tabbed browsing is magic, and chances are if you’re Christian and browsing the interwebs within tabs, you’re a witch and you’re going to hell.

The Kernel (The Colonel?): Drivers. What’s a driver? It’s the guy in the front of the bus you show your badge to. He often sucks at driving. It’s also the software intermediary between your operating system of choice and your computer hardware. Why does this make Windows suck? Probably because you’re about one ‘OK’ click away from overwriting, deleting, moving or otherwise destroying your computing life in Windows. Also Windows has no real way to prevent malware from devouring vast portions of your system drivers, not dissimilar to the late Marlon Brando at the buffet.

Aesthetics: The logo. Yeah ‘ it’s a window. Or more like the kanji for ‘rice field’ that’s been slipped a hit of acid. It’s hideous. And I hate it. Oh, and it totally ripped off Aqua ‘ the Mac OS X UI (user interface ‘ the stuff you see) ‘ with its Aero UI. Only it’s still ugly.

Pricing: How much does Microsoft charge for Windows? A quick search on Google reveals more than I had previously thought: $400 for the full retail version of Windows Vista Ultimate ($260 for the upgrade), or the bare-bones Home Basic version (the crappiest of all Windows? Or simply, the most appropriate for homes), which is $200 for the full version. Keep in mind that there are hundreds of Linux distributions for free out there, and if you’re one of us lucky few who own a Mac, the new Mac OS 10.5 Leopard is only about $110 after student discount for the full version (the only version. There are no ‘Ultimate’ or ‘Home Basic’ editions). If prisoners are violated in their jail cells, are they asked first if they’d like the Ultimate or Home Basic reach-arounds? Even if they are, I don’t think that Microsoft presents such a courtesy.

Basically, every time a consumer purchases a Windows disk, Microsoft is selling an inferior product for several times the cost of software that works, because they can.

Windows also sucks because I can’t possibly probe every inch of Windows’ suckage if I were to devote even three or four articles to it. So look forward to the ‘Why Windows Sucks Serial,’ a detailed list of Windows alternatives that my fellow Windows-haters can look forward to.