‘Twas a sad day in Binghamton University when I learned that St. Patrick’s Day would fall in the middle of our spring break, and I would not have the chance to drink and be merry with all my college chums. Regardless, that’s not going to stop me from drinking.

Still, with the amount of beers out there claiming to be authentically Irish, it can be a daunting task for someone to pick the right brew for the holiday.

Of course, there are those who will go straight for the Guinness and never look back. But is that even fun anymore?

Some people swear by Guinness, not just on the day of St. Patty’s, but also in everyday consumption. That’s fine: to each his own. However, there are other beers out there from the Emerald Isle, and places close to it, that are also good choices for everyone’s favorite drinking holiday.

If you simply must drink something with the name Guinness on it, why not try some Guinness Extra Stout? If you’re among the people who consider “regular” Guinness from a can to be thick, then Extra Stout will really hit you in the face with a railroad spike. Guinness Extra Stout has a much fuller body than Guinness Draught. It also doesn’t contain that annoying little widget that spews nitrogen into your beer, which effectively masks all taste it had just so you can get a creamy head.

This rendition of Guinness is rather sweet, with a bitterness that comes from the deep roasted coffee and chocolate flavors that pervade it. There’s also a good amount of carbonation, which might turn off those expecting something like the normal version. It’s worth a try though, even if it is a bit of a departure.

Two other Irish Stouts with similar profiles and gimmicks to original Guinness Draught are Murphy’s and Beamish. Beamish is readily available in this area. Sam the Beer Man carries it, as does Giant and Wegmans. Murphy’s is a little scarcer in this area, but since most of you crazy cats will be in other locales for St. Patrick’s Day, there’s a decent chance you can find it at your local distributor, or even the supermarket if you’re lucky.

Both stouts come in cans, with a nitro-widget that deploys upon opening. They’re similar to Guinness but both have distinct features that set them apart. Murphy’s is milky-sweet and creamy, with a dry finish. Beamish is also silky smooth, but not quite as bitterly sour as Guinness. Both are good alternatives to the omnipresent Guinness for this St. Patrick’s Day.

Another Irish beer that has quickly gained popularity here in the States is Smithwick’s. I have no clue how to pronounce the name. I just say it phonetically, but some uppity Irish skank from my town said it’s “Smiddicks.” First off bitch, you go to Villanova, and second, your tits are humongous to the point where they’re grotesque. Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s actually look at the beer, however you say its name.

I’ve had this both in the bottle and on-tap, and neither managed to impress me. That’s not to say you won’t like it. Mayhaps you will. To me though, it tasted like a whole lot of nothing. It went down smooth, but it had no character to it at all. Whatever maltiness it had seemed watered-down, and hops were non-existent in the finish. Why people are making such a fuss about it, I do not know. While it may not be the shittiest beer in the world, I certainly wouldn’t recommend it.

An awful mistake that people make on St. Patrick’s Day is to actually go out and buy Killian’s Irish Red, thinking they’re getting some kind of authentic Irish experience. It’s as if upon your first sip, a freckled leprechaun will magically appear and start sodomizing you with his shillelagh. Wrong-o, buddy.

Whatever connections to Ireland that Killian’s once had are long gone, cut off by a deadly combination of corporate takeovers, marketing and food coloring. Killian’s is now brewed and sold by Coors, which is conspicuously not Irish. In fact, after its merger with Molson, they could very well be considered Canadian. Its main concern is not for quality, but how heavily it markets Killian’s for St. Patrick’s Day, making consumers think they’re buying a true Irish product when in fact they’re being duped.

It’s true that Killian’s is much better than the standard swill that Coors produces, and yes, its recipe is descended from the original Ruby Ale that George Killian (of Ireland) first brewed way back in the day, but it’s been so bastardized and diluted with inferior ingredients and crappy marketing that it’s a mere shadow of its former self. I don’t have a problem with the beer so much as the fact it’s been dumbed down just so people won’t be scared off if it were just a wee-bit bold. Personal gripes aside, it’s a decent tasting macro-brew. It boasts more flavor than anything else produced by Coors, with the possible exception of Blue Moon. Drink it if you’d like, but if you want authentic Irish, look elsewhere.

For those Scotch-Irish gents who trace their ancestry to both countries mentioned in their silly title, it might be fun and adventurous to think outside the box. Forego buying any Irish beer, and go way back to the place you lived before Ulster (in Ireland). Scotland boasts some of the tastiest beers in the world, and Belhaven Brewery can claim to make a few of them.

In the Binghamton area, you can find Belhaven Scottish Ale at Sam the Beer Man. It’s a light-bodied tasty treat. It boasts a sweet, almost smoky malt profile, with very low bitterness. The carbonation refreshes your palate with each sip, and it’s low in alcohol, so you can keep on sipping and enjoying for a good long time.

While I haven’t found it up here (unfortunately), everyone should try and find Belhaven Wee Heavy, on St. Patty’s Day or otherwise. What a glorious beer: it has all the trimmings of an ale you might expect a burly man of the United Kingdom to drink. Dark in color, bold in flavor, and an impressive alcohol content. Probably the best beer in the world, but what the fuck do I know? If you can stand to part from Ireland for the day, this one will do you doubly-right.

Well, that about wraps up the selection of Irish/Scottish/imitation beers you can find around here or at your local distributor the Friday after this one. There are others with Irish names (McSorley’s, for one) but they’re domestic. That doesn’t mean they’re bad, but this piece is for those with a hankering for authenticity. If you don’t give a shit, and just want to get blotto, there’s always Genesee Cream Ale. Boy, what a delightful libation that is. Yikes.