There are certain actions, perhaps particular to me (though I strongly doubt it), which, for reasons of political correctness (a notion to which I subscribe, although the concept is grossly misapplied), tradition or simple ignorance, are legally permissible when they ought not to be. This article, possibly the first installment of a series, I hope will offer some incisive suggestions for possible state or federal laws regarding a variety of offensive things.
Pre-med majors with GPAs above 3.5 should have preferential seating at all college bars. They put the most work into this mission we call higher education, and really carry the torch of science, so they should be duly rewarded for doing so. They may not seem like the most affable lot, but that is because they just learned how your circulatory system works while you were smoking pot and writing an essay about why you think philosophy is important. This is not to say that liberal arts majors (I myself am econ and history) are not valid, difficult or worthwhile. But let’s face it, the raw discipline and dedication required to do well as a pre-med major carries some extra weight, and should carry extra benefits for the brief moments when their heads are not buried in textbooks that give the rest of us nightmares.
Giving a man blue balls should be regarded as an egregious sexual crime. If gawking at a woman (do NOT do this, just mentioning it for sake of comparison) can be regarded as sexual abuse, or worse, sexual assault, giving a guy blue balls should be regarded as sexual terrorism. You broke it, you bought it. You can’t cut and run in the middle of a mission and leave a now agitated organ to fend for itself.
It is not OK for grown men to wear pants that require Pam or an equivalent lubricator to get them on in the morning. I know you are tortured and tormented inside, whatever, just do not let it manifest itself in such an aesthetically grotesque way. I know it’s sad that Dashboard is coming to campus and will therefore lose any trace of uniqueness you may have claimed about them (him?). But for crying out loud (pun intended), I do not know a girl (or a guy) who finds ass-tight pants on a pale, hairy-assed dude from Long Island attractive, never mind acceptable. What kind of attention do you suppose this will garner? If you want other people to appreciate you, consider not wearing a sociological label.
New York City should be the capital of the United States. It is already the social, economic and cultural capital — for purposes of efficiency, you may as well round it out and make it the political capital as well. My only reservations about this are that disgusting Washingtonian federal politics may have a corrupting influence on New York’s character; in which case such bureaucrats will be handled in typical New York style until they are forced to resign: devastating and libelous page-six revelations and relentless talk radio badgering. New York’s intolerance of shitty performance and incompetence (please see 2006 Yankees and Mets playoffs) may, in fact, promote integrity in government.
These are just a few thoughts. If anyone wishes to contribute to a future installment of It Should Be a Law, send me an e-mail at Jeisenb1@binghamton.edu with your suggestion. If your submission is selected, you will be duly cited along with a strong peer review rationalizing exactly why your law should be promulgated. May reason reign supreme.