Welcome new Bearcats!
I’ve chosen to dedicate my first column of the year to you bright-eyed squirts. For all I know, this could be the first and last time you pick up a copy of Pipe Dream this year, so I decided to capitalize on your soon-to-be-forgotten sense of Binghamton University community spirit.
So set aside that MacBook, Johnny Green-Behind-The-Ears, because soon that laptop will lose its freshly-shipped-from-China smell, and you’ll still be here.
You see, I was once like you, as hard as it is to believe. I was a freshman too, in the age of slightly lower-definition television. The year was 2008 and it was a simpler time. John McCain mattered, Asher Roth’s hit single “I Love College” dominated the frat house charts and Twitter was just a new-fangled gadget for the socially impaired.
But don’t let my age fool you, I’m still in touch with today’s youth. So before you disperse to get wasted with all of your new “friends” from your class’ Facebook page, let me share some advice for the coming year. I’ll try to keep it short and sweet but forgive me if I ramble; we sophomores are known to prattle on from time to time.
Rule No. 1: Go to Wal-Mart and buy socks now
Like, now. Right the fuck now. Socks are the single most important aspect of survival in Binghamton, yet the single hardest thing to keep track of. I can not stress this enough. In fact, stop what you are doing. Put down the paper, call a cab and get to Wal-Mart. Fifty pairs should last you through Thanksgiving break, but it doesn’t hurt to be over-prepared.
Rule No. 2: Lower your expectations
Having good taste is an unsustainable personality trait here in ol’ Vestal. If you’re used to sippin’ on that Grey Goose, get yourself a bottle of Popov. If you drink a highbrow beer like, say, anything other than Keystone Light, you’ll need to adjust.
If you’re used to mom’s cooking, prepare for the delights of Sodexo (remember, though, we are always one step above prison food). But hey, treat yourself to a night of fine local dining every once in a while. One of my favorite out-of-the-way gems while I’m at school is a little place called Applebee’s.
Rule No. 3: Find a video game
Food and drink are not the only parts of life at Bing that you will find disappointing. I know this may come as a surprise, but your social life here will not be as exhilarating as it is in the movies. Enjoy the first weekend. Winter here comes hard and fast, and doesn’t ever go away. You will need a diversion to retain your sanity when cabin fever hits. I suggest gaming.
Look for a game that’s a real time-drain, but one that also feigns social contact. There’s always “World of Warcraft;” that’ll keep you busy. If MMO’s aren’t your thing, put two or three hours aside every day to hone your “Halo” skills. If you lean toward the classics, you can always hit up “Mario Kart” for a ride down Rainbow Road.
Rule No. 4: Don’t be the first one caught
Just don’t. With all of the sincerity I can muster, I beseech you: do not get caught first. Let the bros down the hall get raided during their pre-game shot-gunning of a thirty-rack of Keys. You don’t ever want that target on your back, believe me.
That pretty much does it for me in the advice department, but I do have just have a few things left in the tank for y’all to take heed of. This year will be different from anything you have ever experienced, but it will not be perfect. Remember that, despite everything TV has taught you, college is still just school. You will make friends, make enemies, have good times and bad. You will party hard, study soft, but through it all, you need to keep one thing in mind.
You can never have too many socks.