I defy anyone to think of a better way to tell someone “I love you” than a romantic meal with your hunny-bunny. No really, I defy you. Tell me a better way. See, you can’t.

So what do I think is the perfect place for such a rendezvous? It just so happens I’ve discovered a quaint little place, a real “hole-in-the-wall,” if you will. In fact, it’s been sitting here right under our noses for so long and yet nobody seems to notice it.

Denny’s, as it’s known, provides stellar service and food for a very reasonable price. It champions a romantic ambience, full of gummed up table undersides, crayons and candy dispensers, while still retaining the rustic charm found only in the most expensive of Econo Lodges. The waiting staff is friendly despite their red eyes and back problems stemming from twelve-hour overnight shifts. The subtle aroma of coffee, be it in mugs or spilled out on the floor, permeates the fluorescent atmosphere and ties everything together splendidly. My date, Gertrude, and I were very impressed.

As soon as we ordered our meals, we found ourselves staring at each other longingly. “You always find the most perfect places to take me, my love,” she whispered to me.

“Anything for you, my desert flower,” I replied, seductively fingering the numerous packets of Sweet’N Low at the side of our table. Our food arrived promptly as Gertie and I were still playing footsies under the table. I ordered the Lumberjack Slam, which consists of three buttermilk pancakes, a slice of grilled honey ham, two bacon strips, two sausage links and two eggs plus hash browns or grits and choice of bread. I ate it so quickly I almost pooped my pants when Gertrude provocatively licked and swallowed a whole sausage link. Never had I been so aroused, watching her gorge herself on her Moons Over My Hammy.

Our server refilled my water three times, smiling and being very polite. We wanted dessert, and decided on the caramel apple crisp. Caramel is an aphrodisiac in many cultures, and here it was no different. By the time we had finished, we were making eyes at each other. I could read her like a book: she wanted me more than she ever had before. I excused myself and went into the men’s room. A few moments later, Gertrude joined me. Finding our way to an out-of-order stall, we made love for hours as the night janitor bleached and mopped the floors and whistled away, providing our coitus with a most symphonic soundtrack. The noxious chemical fumes filled our nostrils as we climaxed in the grips of each other’s sticky, syrupy hands.

We paid our bill and left for home, soon to fall asleep side by side, dreaming of each other and delicious omelets. I highly recommend Denny’s. It may be hard to find, but if you look closely, you should have no trouble. Perhaps you and your lover can experience the same rebirth Gertrude and I did.