As is mentioned in many of the articles in this week’s Release, there is a very good possibility that if you’re a dude, you will be alone this Valentine’s Day. As for you fugly women, yeah, you might also be alone. If only there was one single item that addressed your most carnal desires, whether to stick “yours” in something or have something stuck in “yours.” Well, what do you know? This bright idea was once proposed as one of the hottest products to ever titillate and stimulate, for both a man and a woman. The only thing wrong with it was that it was both man and woman. This week’s Rejected Merchandise: Baxter’s Transsexual Love Doll.

Upon realizing that a great many BU students were depressed and lonely on Valentine’s Day, a drunken R&D team began experimenting sexually with inner tubes. When they realized they couldn’t get their jollies from that giant hole in the middle, they snuck into the secret underground meat locker where Baxter’s costume is stored. A wild bacchanal ensued. Frozen kielbasas were used in a very controversial manner, both by the men and the women who were feeling left out. After twelve bottles of Wild Turkey were consumed and Baxter’s costume was violated beyond comprehension, they all passed out. When they woke up, there was Baxter, lying there with an inner tube on his crotch with a thawed Polish sausage positioned just so, and R&D knew they had just hit paydirt.

Polls had shown that, when lonely, students preferred to think of our cheerful mascot’s antics in order to perk up. So for those extra lonely kids who want a little somethin-somethin’, then surely an inflatable, smiling, gender-abiguous cartoon character would be perfect! But alas, the best-laid plans of bearcats and men often go awry.

The first person to test out the doll, with all its features, reported a slight burning sensation wherever his body had come in contact with the doll. He was told to continue to test it, sometimes several times each night. His skin broke out in hives and he went clinically insane, never to be heard from again. Another test subject, this time a girl, engaged in several nights of reverse cowgirl action when she realized all her hair was falling out. It turned out that, in a cost-cutting measure, the doll had been manufactured using leftover plastics from the old IBM plant and synthetics made from unidentified goo found near the toxic plume. Many sad, horny students lost their lives due to the University’s negligence. Several lawsuits are still awaiting trial.