“I won’t get AIDS! I’m not a homosexual!” — Earvin “Magic” Johnson, prior to 1991

“I won’t get fat! My metabolism will never change!” — every student prior to going to college

What do these two statements have in common? First, they may or may not have ever been uttered, and second, they’re both extremely ignorant.

It’s no secret that the food that Sodexho provides is about as healthy as a deep-fried #2 Super-Sized combo at McDonalds, drizzled with mercury and stuffed with the leftover pubic hairs stuck to the toilet at a leper colony. Still, people think they can withstand the irresistible force of twice-baked potatoes, Totally Tortellini and the tri-roasted bacon lard sandwich with extra dipping sauce au jus.

They’re wrong. Nobody can stop the dreaded freshman fifteen; nobody, of course, with the exception of everyone’s favorite smiling bearcat. Our mammalian mascot once again graces the label of this week’s rejected merchandise: Baxter’s Chewable Diet Pills.

These pills contained a potent mixture of Fen-Phen, Ephedrine, Dexedrine, Digoxin and MDMA. These spectacular once-a-day tablets were quite effective in suppressing hunger, blocking fat absorption, increasing one’s energy and giving someone a new sense of self-worth. Plus, they were grape-flavored, and you know how kids love that.

Despite the fact that these pills were never FDA-approved, they were still released and marketed as a new type of Western Medicine. It really wasn’t a lie, as most of the chemicals were derived from meth labs in Oklahoma. They sold like hotcakes, which themselves were a big hit before everyone became so health conscious. Selling at $60 a bottle, these miracle pills single-handedly brought the University out of bankruptcy after a failed attempt to turn the computer PODs into a Daewoo factory. Everything was going swell until some Newing bitch complained she had “died as a result of taking the pills.”

A study conducted by unqualified and underfunded Harpur College students found that the side effects of the pills were numerous. Among other things, the pills caused depression, acne, scoliosis, heart disease, stroke, erectile dysfunction, neurotoxicity, the inability to experience pleasure, death, and worst of all, tooth decay. Even the special multi-vitamin variation, which was especially helpful in preventing prostate swelling, caused cancer of the lungs and brain hemorrhaging. All types were pulled from the bookstore immediately, but the damage was done. Nearly 90 percent of the freshmen class had been wiped out, while the other 10 percent was on academic probation.

Facing financial ruin and a multitude of lawsuits, the University instituted “FitSpace.” Luckily, there were still fat students around who wanted to lose weight, and were willing to do it the old-fashioned (albeit harder) way. Still, the stain on the University’s reputation was brown and penetrating, and would take many rinse cycles and bleach to wash away.

The University preached about health education and awareness following their “quick-fix” solution. Sodexho’s food didn’t get any better, but they did start putting vegetables in their solid butter sandwiches. In the end, students had to realize they weren’t impervious to weight gain, and to prevent it, just like with AIDS, they had to banish the stereotypes surrounding it. Exercise, proper diet and not sharing needles became a necessity. Following the extreme death toll, everyone was a little smarter and a little healthier.

Still, those pills were tasty.