Oh yeah, that’s nice. Mmm, yeah, play with her hair too. Oh, ssssss, OH!

There’s nothing like waiting in the three-mile-long sandwich line while having to watch two slops licking face two inches from the sneeze guard.

“Hey honey, what do you want on your sandwich?” “Um, lettuce, tomatoes and a little bit o’ that, ooohhh!”

Ew. I don’t mind the occasional open lip kiss or shoulder rub, I can deal with that … no, I like that, it’s cute, awww and shit, but I’ve never found myself missing that one couple in the middle of the dining hall that simply doesn’t have room for dessert after all the face they’d just eaten.

I know, you lovey dovey, face eating couples are thinking, “Wow, wow, hey we’re in love. Like come on sweetie, why would you write that? You don’t have to look. OK? We’re, like, in love sweetie, omg. Ttyl.”

But no! Face eating couple, I have to look. It’s like when you see a dead bird in the street from far away and you tell yourself, “OK Chad, don’t look at it when you pass by, cuz it’s gonna be gross … don’t look … don’t looook … don’t — OH! That’s gross … oh God, why’d I look?” It’s like, that involuntary, baby, I can’t help it.

Obviously I can’t leave because I’ve already invested two minutes into sandwich line time; if I leave now those two minutes will be wasted. Can’t have it, busy girl, must time manage, must watch mini-porn in hopes of getting lunch.

Besides, if you’re insecure as a couple and try to make up for it by rounding second by the international food station, you shouldn’t be together anyway; nobody believes this masquerade of affection. We know you grab her Bento box just so that Athena at the register thinks you like each other; well she’s not buyin’ it either.

Thanks for the offer grossies, but if I wanted to watch sub-average, sloppy couples molest each other for half an hour (from bad angles) without ever getting to the good shots, I’d watch “HBO Real Sex,” at least they use cool props. (P.S. Did anybody see the one where mascots were sexing? That was kinda cool. All Baxter pumps is his fist … or is it?)