I think by now, it’s a well-known fact that Endicott-Johnson, EA Link and IBM were all, at one point or another, big businesses in this area. However, they all eventually reached their peak, and then moved on to greener pastures.

Endicott-Johnson was one of the earliest to truly plant itself in the area. If you go into Johnson City or Endicott, you’ll notice that the houses generally look similar. This is because EJ built all of them.

But, what was there before EJ? Were the Binghamtonians wandering about doing nothing but drinking Swamp Root and eating Spiedies? Of course not!

They were rolling blunts!

That’s right, blunts were once a big business in the Binghamton area. In fact, the amount of cigars produced in Binghamton in the early 1920s was second only to New York City.

Of course, the industry eventually ran into the ground as cigarettes became popular, mainly because they were considerably cooler. But until that point, Binghamton had over 30 different factories in its midst.

Sometimes I wish that cigars were still big business in this area, particularly because I welcome just about any business. Imagine if Binghamton was still producing a large portion of the country’s smokes.

I can assure you this much: Dutchmasters wouldn’t be much of anything. Whenever you and your friends want to relax a bit after exams, instead of getting a “dutch,” you grab yourself a “townie” and roll it nice and tight.

That little alteration in history would also alter popular culture.

Kramer: “Hey Jerry, I got myself a couple of townies to roll my cigars. That way I don’t have to worry about customs.”

Jerry: “You think this is such a good idea?”

Kramer: –Insert goofy head shake and pop sound–

But as time passes, Kramer would have realized that he didn’t quite get what he bargained for.

(After two tightly rolled cigars explode, cut to the face of the businessman Kramer is schmoozing.)

Kramer: [aggravated] “I got Ithacans!!!”

Not to mention the advertising.

Instead of the Marlboro Man, it could be the Marlboro Townie, and instead of Joe Camel, it could be Joe Townie. The possibilities are endless.

Of course, there would also be a downside to having big tobacco in the area. No, I’m not talking about oral cancer, lung cancer, throat cancer, lymphatic cancer, heart disease, erectile dysfunction or emphysema. I’m talking about those damned “Truth” commercials.

The last thing I need is some obnoxious 20-something, with pre-ripped jeans and an obscure band shirt marching down State Street with a box of documents saying, “This is how much townies spend to get you hooked … enough to fill 14 dumpsters. How’s that for some TRUTH.”

So maybe it’s a good thing that cigars are no longer made here in the Southern Tier; they are fairly destructive. Good thing we’ll be sticking with defense contracts for a while now.

Dan Lyons is a senior English major, who would love for you to come smoke a stogie with him anytime.