Welcome to the Larry Craig Helpline: a joint venture provided by the Center for American Hypocrisy and the G.O.P. Rainbow Coalition.

Para informaci√É≥n en espa√ɱol, oprima ‘dos.’ To continue in English, choose ‘one.’ For known local hotbeds of homosexual solicitation, stay on the line.

If you are a member of the Republican Party and need assistance hiding your shame, press or say ‘one.’

If you are a member of the Republican Party and are having difficulty locating your soul, try a fresh salad for dinner, followed by a long, hard look in your mirror and perhaps a drive around the block.

If you are the Dark Prince himself and would like information on when you can collect lost souls on Capitol Hill, press or say ‘two,’ or stay on the line to speak to Eliot Spitzer.

If you are a member of the Democratic Party and are requesting directions to the celebration parade and luau, please have a clever statement regarding the supreme irony of Sen. Craig’s actions and subsequent televised ballast ready.

If you are a member of the people at large and are unsure as to how much rage you should be channeling in respect to the failings of public decency in this country, there is approximately a three-month wait time. Please stay on the line and a representative from Amnesty International will provide you with French immigration information.

If you have received this number from Paul Wolfowitz, please tell him he owes Congress 10 bucks for the last time they went to Burger King.

If, in fact, you are calling as a result of Fox News coverage, please hang up, and reassess your station in this life and what exactly it takes for you to get to sleep.

For Senator Craig’s telephone number, please say ‘yes.’ Alternately, if you are a resident of San Francisco or reside in downtown New York City, and would like to accompany Sen. Craig on an evening out, he can be reached at donttellgeorgie08@aol.com. Jews, Independents and Hillary Clinton need not waste their time.

If this is Jack Abramoff, Scooter Libby or Mark Foley, be advised that the meeting has been moved to the YMCA Annex at 188th Street and sponsors no longer need to be contacted on the hour.

To get in touch with either John McCain’s publisher or eternal witch doctor, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to Jack’s Rib Pit down on Garrison Road, not the one on 3rd. This location has been reopened as a Petco and they have refused to forward any mail unrelated to kennel services or the ‘Kitty and Me’ Sunday workshops.

If this is Tom Delay, please stop calling this number.