The Pizza Box Guy. Binghamton basketball fans know him as the man who entered our lives and brightened our existences not even a week ago. The epitome of the “sixth man,” the Pizza Box Guy casts a spell of doubt and uncertainty upon the opposition as they approach their free throws. But where did the Pizza Box Guy come from? How’d he get the box? Why is it so powerful? And why did “Boy Meets World” get rid of Minkus anyway?

Here’s the story, although I can’t vouch with absolute certainty that 100 percent of the facts represented here are accurate, as many might just be according to legend:

3,000 years ago a great conflict raged. The vicious realm of Shaft had invaded and dominated the formerly peaceful land of Binghamton, and the denizens of Binghamton, known as the Vulvas, had imparted a tight defensive regimen to squeeze the Shaft’s attacks. But the Shaft was strong and firm and relentless. Into Vulva territory it would push, seemingly getting firmer and stronger the farther in it got.

Binghamton experienced an interesting sensation that the Vulvas had never felt before. The more intrusive the Shaft became, the less the Vulvas seemed willing to turn it away. Finally a great warrior named Lee Lefkowitz arose in defense of the Vulvas to reject the Shaft. Lee battled the Shaft, using the weapons and spells he had learned in his youth. These include, but are not limited to, the Rusty Trombone, the Lotus, the Portuguese Breakfast, the Dirty Sanchez, the Ahab, the Hoover, Octopus position, the Leapfrog, the Spread Eagle, the Playing of the Cello, the Fettucini Alfredo and, of course, the Harvey Wallbanger. When Lee was finished, the Vulvas were satisfied with their victory and the Shaft was forced to retreat, limp from defeat. Lee swore that day that Binghamton would never be invaded again. From that point on, each of Lee’s descendants swore to protect Binghamton from invaders. They still practice the very same magic that Lee used against the Shaft.

Fast forward to the present day. A clan of smelly Vermont hippies have been invading a Binghamton temple known as the Events Center and leaving with what little pride and dignity that the people of Binghamton have. Lee’s last living descendant, recognizing the intrusion, decides, as his ancestor did before him, that enough is enough.

Thousands of onlookers, collectively known as the “BU Zoo” watch in awe as Lee’s descendant uses a special and rarely seen power known as the Pizza Bukake to vanquish his foes. To his opponents, his weapon resembles just an ordinary piece of cardboard, folded in such a way that it functionally protects a delicious treat. But, as they always find out, it contains the kind of blow that only a Pizza Bukake can deliver.

He became known as the Pizza Box Guy, Binghamton’s very own superhero. He even has a signal, like the Batlight in the sky: he is summoned to defeat evil by a chant…“Show us your box!” the Zoo yells, and promptly he appears to protect Binghamton from those who would shaft us.

Graham Kates is a junior political science major.