Like every good little college student who has an unhealthy addiction to anything with a screen, I check my e-mail many times a day. On Friday, I was lucky enough to receive an invitation from the director of Campus Life to participate in a “study of student experiences in college.” Be still my heart.
Because I love wasting my time (on surveys in particular), I decided to give the survey a whirl and write down what SSG Research wants to know about college … mostly to make fun of them. Hey, I never said college had matured me.
After taking inventory of what I was involved in currently, the survey turned to what I did before college. This was fun, because I got to revisit what a terrible band geek I was in high school, and it clued me in to something I never knew existed: “school spirit” clubs. Maybe it’s just me and my school’s lack of spirit, but where are these clubs? And what do they do? Has there even been any interest in these things since “Grease” hit theaters?
Oh, and a fun fact: spirit clubs are apparently also known as “pep clubs.” Pep: a word that, if used as part of regular conversation, will get you more funny stares than a Buddhist monk at a steakhouse. See also “vim” and “ginger.” (I had to look up “ginger” online. I tried using it in a sentence alone in my room and I instantly aged 13 years. Don’t try this at home.)
Then things got a little loopy. In between questions on how often I was active in my community, SSG Research wanted to know with what degree of regularity I “reflected on the meaning of life” and “found meaning in times of hardship.” I want you all to write your own joke in the margin here, because there are so many to be made I can’t choose just one.
Not too long after, they started asking me questions about my “mentors.” They defined this as someone who intentionally helps you grow in your personal or professional life. I guess “intentionally” is the operative word, in order to differentiate mentors from those shining paragons of human kindness you find in Lifetime original movies, the ones that always help the protagonist achieve deep spiritual understanding by standing around and being soft-spoken. I mean, not that I’m familiar with Lifetime original movies in any way at all. Heavens, no.
I was hard-pressed to come up with a mentor other than my parents, though, because this is Binghamton and I’m enrolled in Harpur. The advising office can actually smell liberal arts majors coming, and they seem to be ready whenever we call them up to be as unhelpful as possible while simultaneously getting my roommate, the engineer, a Fortune 500 job without him asking for one.
Oh, and according to SSG Research, there is such a thing as a “leadership major.” I’m an English major and even I thought that was useless.
“What was your major in college?”
“Leadership.”
“And what do you do now?”
“I lead.”
Self-explanatory, really. Afterward there was a host of questions about how much I’ve grown while in college and what my background is statistically, including a list of diseases and disorders to check off, like ADD. Do they really think that someone with an attention disorder would sit through that entire — oh hey look, it’s a squirrel! Guys, I’m gonna go chase it. Bye!