In my last article, I discussed possible remedial measures that could be taken to address Binghamton’s ailing economic condition. Now I hope to exercise my minimal wisdom on the only quagmire worse than being stuck in traffic owing to New Jersey-bound travel on the Major Deegan ‘ the war in Iraq.

We all hate Wal-Mart. Their trading practices would elicit stinging condemnation from even the most laissez-faire among us, including myself. Yet, remarkably, despite the collective sense of enmity toward the institution, we can not avoid going there. The prices, due to virtual slave labor and bargaining-power exploitation, are irresistible. One approach to winning hearts and minds that demands consideration would be building a fortified Wal-Mart in Baghdad. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will soften the calloused hearts of our brainwashed fundamentalist brothers like a George Foreman grill for $11. Jonah Grossman, a senior premed major, who was integral to formulating this strategy, suggests that Wal-Mart will be a beacon for Anglo-American capitalism in the Middle East; he notes that, ‘All my convictions and principles reject Wal-Mart, I have enough money to shop elsewhere, and I still go there. What does this say about the philosophical thumping a $7 rice cooker achieves over politics?’

Move the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to Baghdad, and have the Baghdad Devil Rays managed by Dusty Baker. This move will serve two functions for U.S. interests. First, Dusty Baker will surely cause Scott Kazmir’s arm to disintegrate, which on at least a temporary basis may cause Iraqis to set aside their sectarian differences and direct their fury at Dusty Baker (who will have to live in a citadel inside the Green Zone). Second, players will refuse to play in a stadium that requires the protection of a Marine battalion and will sign contracts with teams for considerably less money (and possibly virgins) than the Baghdad Devil Rays will offer, thus causing the attrition of the team and hopefully their ultimate contraction. Ravi Sujakumar, a senior biology major, agrees with such a plan. He owns novelty TB Devil Rays memorabilia and hopes that ‘maybe this stuff will finally be worth something, people won’t ask me ‘What’s that?’ when I wear it. Perhaps it will become synonymous with patriotism if this plan is seen through.’ This plan could be equally well implemented using the Kansas City Royals.

Replace the current American/Iraqi law enforcement regime with Binghamton University RAs, RDs and Judicial Affairs. My buddy Brad Burdick, a decent and law abiding sophomore English major, was recently sentenced to 15 hours of community service for being ‘caught’ with a single lit candle in his room. The stunning lack of compassion exhibited by his RA may prove an effective replacement to the current scheme of law enforcement which is motivated by sectarian and regional loyalties rather than blind faith and mindless adherence to warped judicial principles, which is precisely what Iraqis (and now Brad Burdick) are accustomed to. The majority of these people are unacquainted with basic legal theories about circumstances and mitigating evidence ‘ send them to Iraq where nobody is familiar with it.

If none of these suggestions is deemed worthy of consideration, then we should just drive the Dave Matthews Band to Baghdad. This may help alter the perception of American occupying forces from ruthless imperialists to harmless overly introspective youth. It may help replace insurgent wrath with haughty dismissal if they think most Americans listen to such meaningless, self-indulgent rubbish. If it doesn’t, at least DMB won’t be debasing the Garden anymore.

‘ Joe C. Galente-Eisenberg is a senior economics major. Loyal DMB fans can send hate mail to opinion@bupipedream.com.