Hi, alumni. How ya doin’? I’ve missed you. It seems like just yesterday you were here with me, shootin’ the breeze out by the Union — back when there was only one. But now you’ve moved on. You went away and got yourself a job, a wife, kids, a dog, even a white picket fence. In a nice neighborhood, I bet. You haven’t forgotten your old Binghamton, have you? The Binghamton who raised you, coddled you, nurtured you. No, I’m sure you remember how you got where you are now.
Remember that time when you slipped and fell in the rain over by Wal-Mart? You ran all the way back to your Binghamton, trying to choke back the tears. You had nothing to be ashamed of when you were in Binghamton’s arms. I reassured you that it was OK to cry. Then I put a Band-Aid on your knee, gave it a kiss and gave you a big heaping cup of warm apple cider. That night when your Binghamton tucked you into bed, you told her that you’d always be there for Binghamton, too.
I’m sure you’ve got very good reasons for only visiting Binghamton once a year. No, no, no, don’t worry, why would a Binghamton who’s loved you as long as anyone can even remember be offended that you’re too busy to call?
Binghamton may look old, tired, poor, distraught, grey, lonely and abandoned. But I’m not. Binghamton’s getting along just fine. Just fine.
Alumni, you’re not going to put your old Binghamton in one of those “homes,” are you? Binghamton isn’t worthless, you know. I can cook. I made you spiedies. (I know that’s your favorite.) And I cut them in half. I haven’t forgotten what you like. Binghamton always knows best. Perhaps maybe your kids would like Binghamton to come home with you. They love Bing Bing’s home cooking.
No?
It’s your wife isn’t it? Her whole family has always spited us. I’m sorry you’re not from the aristocracy! Not everyone can be Cornell, for God’s sake! What do you mean we’ve gone through all this before? You never let me get a word in! Are you embarrassed by your Binghamton? Are you afraid your neighbors will know where you came from?
Oh, of course it’s not. I was just being silly. Binghamton loves you.
You can’t afford to take your old Binghamton in. That’s fine, I understand, alumni. Binghamton gets a check from the government every month, anyway.
But please try and visit more often, okay? And it wouldn’t hurt to give me a call every once in a while. All right, all right. Just know that wherever you go and whatever you’re doing, you should always remember what you learned from your old Binghamton.
Graham Kates is a junior international affairs major