The Mets are playing like a team that clinched the division and has the best record in their league … oh, hold on … I’m receiving a phone call, evidently that’s because that is precisely the case.

On a more serious note, this is not exactly the way you’d like to go into the playoffs. It’s almost impossible to gauge the potency of the Mets’ offense, considering the Norfolk Tides are taking the field at Shea more often than the Mets. Pedro Martinez, who the Mets acquired for October baseball, is looking more confident, and he has visibly improved since returning from the disabled list, though he was still lit up for four runs in five innings on a limited pitch count in his last outing.

Tom Glavine also looked very sharp last time out, giving up two runs over eight innings of work against what, at the time, was a very hot Marlins team. The Mets are 3-4 in the last week and playing very lackadaisical baseball, which is to be expected for a team that hasn’t played a meaningful game since Binghamton was on spring break. The lineup for the game after the clincher (which, incidentally, the Mets won) included Julio Franco getting his second start at third base since the birth of Christ, Michael Tucker at first and Lastings Milledge batting third.

The wild card has finally, with roughly 45 seconds left in the season, become a clear three-horse race, with the Padres and Dodgers vying for the West Division, the loser of which will have to compete with the Phillies for the wild card berth. We will assert that we want the Padres to win because everyone wants to get warm and fuzzy inside about Mike Piazza making a pilgrimage to Shea for a playoff game, but that is only our pride glossing over the reality — the Phillies’ offense is absolutely gross, and should be enough to get them the wild card.

Their lineup, centered around MVP candidate and all-around stallion Ryan Howard, as well as Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley and Met-killer Pat Burrell, is deadly. But the Phillies’ starting rotation is mediocre, easily hittable, and their bullpen is unreliable at best, meaning in a seven-game league championship series, that being the only time the Mets could face their division rival, the Phils would likely have to exhaust their starters in relief duty. In spite of the pitching issues, this is a team I would rather not face in a short series.

The St. Louis Cardinals, by default, are taking the NL Central because no other team is competent enough to step up to challenge a very questionable team. With Jason Isringhausen out for the year, Chris Carpenter will have to pitch 40 innings in a five-game series to avoid giving the ball to Braden Looper, who the Mets let go after last year because he absolutely sucks.

Renowned baseball scholar at Washington University in St. Louis, Dennis Mickley, is quoted as saying that the “hopes and dreams of N.Y. rest upon the quality of Pedro Martinez’s pre-game meal of arroz con pollo, and for the lesser half of N.Y., they rest on A-Rod’s eggs hollandaise and self esteem.” Pedro needs to be relied upon for one win, at least, in each series. Not a problematic or short-pitch count win, a solid two runs over seven innings outing that produces a stress free win, something the team can derive momentum from.

Also worth noting is that for the first time in many years Derek Jeter was not the number-one selling baseball jersey in New York, the object of every New York girl’s desire, and even that of your heterosexual author’s. David Wright was the top jersey in New York. Kristina Eng, a junior accounting major who knows nothing about baseball, but has the luxury of being very discriminating with men, noted that David Wright “made [her] so horny.”

Playoff baseball is right around the corner, and all the workings of a subway series are in order. Possibly for the first time in my life I won’t sadistically squeal like a school girl when A-Rod chokes in the ALCS.