Because of my undying love for multitasking, I usually catch up on my news over breakfast. This might be something I need to stop doing, as one story or another invariably causes me to yell profanity at my computer screen while my mouth is full of pancakes. (Mmmm … pancakes.)

Lately I’ve been spewing pancakes (mmmm) due to the inescapable cloud of coverage on Sarah Palin’s personal life, particularly her pregnant 17-year-old, Bristol.

The first time I heard this story, I froze and did not move for a full five minutes. That time was spent praying to the gods of media, a prayer that went something like, “Oh please, let the media shut up about the kid and cover the mom. Let the non-story go. Gods of media, hear my prayer.”

As usual, the gods of media stuck their fingers in their collective ears and went “Lalalalalala!”

But the pisser is that this bout of ridiculous media coverage is not unique, and that’s what gets me furious. These stories about personal struggles, while sometimes heartwarming or poetic, do not matter.

Folks, let me tell you how little I care about politicians’ families: I’m already done telling you how little I care about politician’s familes.

When I heard about John Edwards and his tawdry affair, I shrugged and went back to my bowl of Doritos. When I heard about Larry Craig’s bathroom misadventure, I chuckled for half a minute and returned to my book (I was rereading “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”). And as for Bill Clinton … well, I didn’t know what a blowjob was at age nine, but I don’t even care now that I do know.

These stories aren’t news. They may serve to remind us that our leaders have the ability to be real douchebags, but they are not news stories.

The “reporters” in the news media run these stories because scandal sells, and it allows them to avoid doing their jobs. Instead of covering Darfur, instead of keeping us up to date with the war in Afghanistan, instead of even covering the issues at stake in the national election — we get “ZOMG GUYZ TEEN SEX DURR.” (By the way, that was a quote from yesterday’s “Situation Room.”)

These petty scandals, these putrid skeletons — they are none of our business. They distract us from crucial issues, real news, real knowledge!

The American people need and deserve the Truth. It doesn’t need to be sexy or scandalous; it needs to be important, otherwise the news just becomes a sophisticated system of predatory voyeurs with the public as silent partners.

You want the real truth? The death toll in Darfur has been conservatively estimated at 200,000, according to the U.N., with other estimates ranging as high as 400,000. Iraqbodycount.org estimates that around 90,000 civilians have died in Iraq since 2003; 29 were killed on Sept. 6 alone. Hey, I bet you didn’t know that the Anbar province was handed over to the Iraqi military last Monday!

That is the truth. And the truth is what we need to know. The truth is what I fight for.

So here’s my open letter to the media: Do your fucking duty.

And leave Bristol alone.