I have found the cause of obesity in America. Curious as to who it is? He says things like, ‘The team that scores the most points is usually going to win the game,’ and, ‘Brett Favre is the best quarterback ever.’ That’s right, I’m talking about John Madden. And while his commentary constantly has viewers questioning just how much he had to drink and whether or not Peter Griffin would score higher than him on an IQ test, it is his popular video game that is causing America’s obesity rate to skyrocket.
The Madden video game franchise has revolutionized the way kids play football. No longer are Saturday afternoon pick-up games held in the park. Why go outside when Madden brings all of the action and none of the exercise straight to your living room? While Madden has made teenagers and college students alike amazing at reading the Cover 2 defense, the game has reduced the need to go outside and make friends. That’s because if you don’t have real friends you can connect to the Internet and play online. And although it greatly increases the likelihood of a heart attack by age 25, Madden does provide football enthusiasts with the convenience of using an indoor bathroom. I, for one, hated running off the field to pee behind a tree; clearly Madden creators have attacked this business of running while playing a game of football from every angle.
Intense gamers will point out that I am crazy if I think video games don’t promote a healthy energetic lifestyle. After all, what about the Nintendo Wii, the game system that encourages intense physical activity during screen time. Maybe the Wii creators miscalculated just how much physical activity one really needs to be good at this game. In Wii baseball, you can strike a batter out simply by dropping the controller on the couch three consecutive times, as that movement results in a devastating curveball ‘ the funny looking bobble head dolls are simply no match for pure laziness.
Guitar Hero captures a similar enterprise. No longer does one need to spend endless hours practicing notes, memorizing chords and risking calloused fingers to impress the ladies. Simply plug in a plastic controller and rock out to Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ by pressing the various color combinations that pop up on the screen. And if the pressures of being in a Guitar Hero rock band get to be too much, just cruise over to a local store and pick up a copy of Heroin Hero. Just one tip: You never actually catch the dragon.
Video games are awesome and have a right to be enjoyed by all. Nothing is more awesome than gathering with a bunch of friends to see who can take first place in a Madden tournament or set a new high on the expert level of Guitar Hero III by breezing through ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia.’ But it is when video games replace all physical activity that one goes from being a casual gamer to a pimple-faced fatty who can’t get girls.
Just take John Madden’s advice: ‘Uh, uh, the kids who run around the most, will ah, probably be the healthiest, and oh, did I mention that I have a huge man-crush on Brett Favre?’