When girls are of the college age, one of their favorite things to do is talk with their friends about their sexual escapades. I realized recently that I’ve been talking and learning about sex for my whole life with girls and from a girl’s perspective. I couldn’t help but think I’ve been missing out on something, on half of the spectrum.

So I was on a mission: to get the male’s side of sex, to help understand the art (and perhaps improve my skills). It wasn’t long before I found a good opportunity to talk with some of my guy friends, Double-D, Bob and Wrong Bong Long Shlong, about this ancient past time.

Long Shlong seemed to break sex down for me in very simple terms. He told me it’s all about letting go of inhibitions in the time allotted and doing “the weirdest shit without crossing the ‘gross line.’” He said sex gets boring after 30 minutes, and chatting, moaning and even some instruction are all icing on the cake. “Like beer pong,” he told me, “sex gets better with practice.”

Bob told me that first-time sex is always bad, but if you really like someone, it doesn’t matter. If it’s not that good, he doesn’t “bring his A game,” but that’s OK. At the beginning, there are no high expectations. They know it’s something they can work on and improve. Sex always changes; it’s a continual thing.

I happen to know that when a girl goes down on a guy the first time, she tends to be very nervous. She knows right away that she will be compared and judged with those who came before. I, for one, had always wondered, how can any girl tell how good she is?

When I mentioned blowjobs to Double D, Bob and Long Shlong, they all seemed to have very fervent opinions about them. DD said, with a touch of sadness in his eye, that he’s never gotten the kind of head he sees in pornos. Long Shlong told me about the most amazing head he’s ever gotten and will never forget: “She was like a Hoover vacuum,” he said, ”it took 30 seconds.”

What I found slightly surprising was that two out of the three seemed to prefer blowjobs to sex all together. They prefer, I guess, not having to do much work, although they do prefer handcuffs, allowing for complete dominatation and control.

All three agreed that their biggest sex fantasy was a threesome; Long Shlong wanted hot lesbian twins, but DD was bothered by the incest involved. They all prefer sex in the morning because, as DD pointed out, anyone can take a girl home at night, but having sex with someone the next morning changes it and makes it more special.

All the sudden, Long Shlong, who I suppose was caught up in the excitement of the conversation, sprung off the bed and rather emphatically began to paint for me a picture of the most ultimate orgasmic scenario…

It starts off with the Super Bowl on the television with your team is down by 6. It’s fourth down and there’s a hail mary into the end zone. While your team catches the ball for a touchdown, you’ve got your girl bent over and bam! At this point he was in fact humping the air.

Now from what I learned about guy-perspective sex, the rest would go like this: it would be over in 10 minutes, followed shortly by a sub and a White Russian.

There is a moral to the stories, so before you girls begin to think all guys are assholes, here’s what they stressed.

Communication is the most important thing in a sex life and caring about someone is what makes it truly good. They wish girls wouldn’t fake and lie about things, giving men a false sense of pride; they want honest feedback. I realize that this is typically what sex is about for girls too. At its emotional core, sex for guys and girls is pretty much the same.

Micol Zweig is a sophomore English major