There are a few things in life that are guaranteed ‘ death, taxes and awkward friends. Nothing is more painful than the awkward moments some of our peers create. These situations are inevitable ‘ there are bound to be countless strange people at a huge university.
No one is perfect, but how hard is it to possess the basic social skills to carry on a conversation?
And it’s only getting worse. I’ve noticed the awkward population has started to migrate from the classroom to Downtown. Perhaps they heard rumors of an insolvable calculus equation written on the wall of The Rat.
Whether we like it or not, we’re often caught in conversations full of awkward stares, lack of dialogue and forced laughter.
Girls, I’m talking to you too. You all have that one friend in the group who just doesn’t get it. You keep her around just to talk behind her back about the uncomfortable things she says until she finds out and develops an eating disorder. She’s the one who updates her Facebook status the second she gets home, tagging all your friends in an album named after a moderately funny quote from the night that the rest of the world will undoubtedly not care about.
How do we find ourselves in these predicaments? Mutual friends are the real killer here. Our buddies may be blind to the excruciating awkwardness we experience. Someone may invite us to hang out, forgetting to tell us that one minor detail that a new friend they just made in class will be joining the crew for the night. After introductions and pleasantries are exchanged, the conversation starts.
This could go either of two completely different ways: They’re cool and can actually hold a conversation, or you’re asking yourself if you challenged them to a staring contest without remembering. You’re seeking any way to escape from their grasp without being rude, but you can only look down at your phone for so long. I’ve developed a few rules that may help us escape future painful encounters.
Rule 1: Absolutely, under no circumstances, be caught in a one-on-one situation with the awkward person. Why have all the weirdness dumped on your head? Have others around to spread the social inelegance around. Remember, there’s no I in awkward.
Rule 2: Play Cupid. Try and seek out an equally awkward member of the opposite sex for the original person you’re stuck with. Both will most likely have no idea what to do, but who knows? They may end up spending all their time with each other, leaving you washing your hands of their oddness. One drawback is they may reproduce, passing on their awkward genes to future generations. However, sex is unlikely ‘ there’s no differential equation that derives a solution to tell the guy what goes in where.
Rule 3: When caught in a conversation with the person, nod every 10 seconds or so. If he makes a joke, smile and perhaps let out a chuckle. Do. Not. Laugh. Even if it’s out of pity. Laughter will only serve as positive reinforcement and encourage future attempts at humor that will likely fail miserably. Respond, but don’t ask questions or attempt to continue conversation.
Rule 4: If he stares at you for too long, simply look away. Turn to the television, cell phone or another person. If he wants to stare at you, let him go ahead, he’ll get the message sooner or later.
Finally, last but not least.
Rule 5: Never ever feed them after midnight. Just kidding. But seriously, don’t.