Dear Jess,

I live in a suite and I’m having a problem. You see, everyone has needs and I need my “me” time. I’ve tried really hard to learn my roommate’s schedule but I can’t seem to find any time to rub one out. I have no problem with declaring my needs, but my roommate never leaves! With finals coming up, we’re talking serious stress and this is when stroking it is the most important. Could you give me a helping hand?

Sincerely,

Man time in Mountainview

Dear Man,

How could I not understand your need for some self loving? Everyone needs a little “me” time. Maybe in your case some big “me” time, but you know that’s all in the eye of the beholder. I always imagined GPS tracking systems, secret stashes of “Bambi Does Boise” and stolen Victoria’s Secret catalogues all available with the push of a hidden button or remote within a half mile radius. I’d like to thank you for the opportunity to investigate this privacy that you and so many others really do need. I was once told that it was a biological necessity for males to have alone time, but I’m pretty sure that was a clever line used by this guy at the bar trying to turn his “me” time into some “we” time. Realizing the magnitude of your problem, I collected a small committee and asked for some feedback. Suggestion One: shower. Normally you’re by yourself, and if you’ve got company, then it better be “her”/“his” time in there. But that suggestion was shot down, quick, “Dude, other people shower in there, ahh gross. I don’t even wanna think of other dudes having fun in there.” Suggestion Two: General Bathroom Area, “It’s not comfortable, or you know as realistic as your comfy bed surrounded by candles, listening to Marvin Gaye … uhh I mean … yeah people are in and out of the bathroom more than my suite, so umm no.” Suggestion Three: Abstinence, “Are you serious? Haha … ” If you see the same faults as my committee saw with my suggestions then my final proposal is: learn his damn schedule! If your privacy means so much, make some room in your brain filled with Playmate likes and dislikes and baseball stats for your roommate’s schedule. Not prioritizing the necessities could leave you with your pants down.

Jessica Rubin is a freshman English and anthropology major and she expects better pick up lines then “Can I help you with your ‘me’ time?” when you see her downtown.