I was shocked. Flabbergasted, even.

“Can you believe this here in-fo-mation? Why wasn’t I teached this right here stuff in science class,” I said.

“I would hope in America (fuck yeah) the public edification wouldn’t hide ginuine theory notions.”

I continued, my anger rising to a boiling point, “why wasn’t I teached intelligent design!”

I sat in the information commons reading about how the earth was really formed. I was being enlightened by the Intelligent Design Network’s website, which highlights “objectivity” in science education.

God is very fair and objective in His dealings, so why aren’t schools?

“My grandpa ain’t no marmot, dang it!” I bellowed.

Inspired by my initial anger, I used the valuable resource that is Wikipedia to learn about other alternative “theories,” that perhaps my high school (and this University) neglected to mention to me.

“The Earth is flat!” I exclaimed, nearly leaping out of my seat. I had just discovered flatearthsociety.org.

“Look here, Cletus,” I said to my bruncle. “It says since the sun looks bigger at sunset than noon, the world is flat. Why wasn’t I teached that in Geocity class?”

“It’s them dern hippies,” Cletus responded. He’s the smartest man this side of Wilkes-Barre.

Soon, as I searched the internet for more stuff that the narrow-minded public education system hadn’t exposed me to, I found new and more radical ideas that amazed and bewildered me.

“Now, this right here. This is the most stupendous thing I has ever laid these here eyes upon,” I said as I read the information on www.venganza.org, the official website of The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

But I was stuck in a conundrum. “I don’t know what to believe!” I yelled when I read that global warming is a punishment to mankind for the decline in population of pirates, who are the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s favorite inhabitants of earth.

“Pa always told me that global warming was made up by Jimmy Carter and George Clooney!”

“Why didn’t we read the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in church? Was Father Robertson hiding information like the schools was?”

The more I looked into “Pastafarianism,” as it’s called, the more confused I became.

“Pastafarians want their inklings of how we got here to be teached also, but the Flying Spaghetti Monster is so scary, not even my priest would talk about it. We can’t tell kids about him!”

I sat in thinker pose, pondering what should and should not be taught in school. Finally, I decided that since we would never have time to learn anything if we taught everything, the only theories that should be taught in school are the ones that can be supported with actual physical evidence.

After doing research for “longer than one of Daughtaunt Bobby-Sue’s bowel movements,” I came to a conclusion.

“There is only two things that make even a lick a sense: ‘evolution,’ and the collected teachings of Steven Seagal.”

Graham Kates is a junior political science major, and he believes the Chuck Norris is nothing but a cheap rip off of Steven Seagal, the Omnipotent. He also recommends that everyone go see “Under Siege 2”.