The Student Assembly is an eclectic gang of leaders blazing a path to glory for the student body, and I, Igor Centric, am definitely the most important person in it.

I fuckin’ rule the SA.

I am to the SA what Cardinal Richelieu was to the French monarchy, Thurloe was to England and Terrel Owens was to the Philadelphia Eagles.

Without me, the Student Assembly would run about as well as Rosie O’Donnell.

Thanks to me, the Student Assembly is known for a few things, not the least of which is its efficiency. The reason we’re so efficient is that we run our meetings according to Robert’s Rules of Order (amen!). But sometimes in order to improve the University we have to throw away any notion of productivity. In the Good Book, Roberts emphatically states this.

The only thing more brilliant than Robert’s Rules are… is me.

Recently I decided that I would inhibit productivity in the Student Assembly. I assure you, the reasoning behind this decision was both wise and just. The thing is, for several weeks the assembly had been moving too fast, way too fast. So what I did to slow the assembly down was propose a couple of resolutions (hahaha – and just to be ironic, I said they were intended to increase efficiency within the SA).

Wow. That felt really good. That was the first time I’ve laughed in nearly half a decade.

There are three reasons why these resolutions are genius. One: they will give me much more power than my position warrants. Two: everyone knows that, so the debate regarding them could take weeks! And three: they were designed to make the Student Assembly’s entire legislative process take much longer than it should. Hooray beaurocracy!

When we debate, everyone is wowed by how much I know.

My plan was perfect, and just to top it off, at last week’s Assembly meeting I started asking a long series of inane questions; the Assembly was getting slowed to a snail’s pace. Keep in mind, it’s for the best. My questions had made the meeting last longer than Peter North… when he’s working hard.

I have a library of over 1,000 Peter North movies, and I’ve watched them each three times.

But my plan, it turns out, wasn’t fool-proof. You see, everything was going well at the Assembly meeting last week when my resolutions were to be introduced (for the second time)… and then I was outsmarted! A brave soul, realizing there was a way out of the meeting without yielding victory to me, motioned to adjourn.

Each week, the minute the meeting is adjourned is the worst minute of that entire week.

The whole system was unraveling right before my very eyes! I was shocked! Appalled! My plans lay before me, tattered, a pile of Strubble.

“I will teach the SA a lesson,” I muttered in disgusted fashion, as though talking about a wayward child who just won’t behave.

Those meddling kids may have foiled my plan this time. But I will return!

When I talk in that tone to a mirror each morning, it boosts my self-confidence.

Graham Kates is a junior political science major