Some years back, following a rather tumultuous fall semester of our sophomore years here at Binghamton — one that included a fascist resident assistant, a misplaced keg of beer and a Benedict Arnold-esque betrayal by a former compatriot — my friends and I decided it would be best if we relocated the 24-hour bacchanalia that is our lives to a location capable of withstanding the hurricane-force destruction we were so prone to creating while inebriated.

Seeing as all the prime real estate in Binghamton was, well, non-existent, we were left with little choice but to join the ranks of Binghamton’s West Side student residents. Since the majority of us come from the suburbs of southern New York, the experience has been an enlightening one, to say the very least, and I would be remiss if I didn’t pass a few nuggets of knowledge-y goodness on to you, my loyal readership.

Appease the locals, but keep your distance:

At the risk of offending the vast armies of politically correct douche bags that roam this campus, I must warn you: don’t anger the bums. My fingers and toes are not sufficient for tallying the amount of times members of my household have answered the front door, only to come face to face with a gentlemen asking for our cans and bottles. I personally have no problem with them doing this, as long as clear boundaries are established. Following an incident earlier this semester, our house made the collective decision to no longer invite these gentlemen in for a beer and a chat, the primary reason for this being that our guests developed the odd habit of waiting on our front porch for us to return home. They also took to becoming quite indignant when they caught us staring in awe from the window as they rummaged through our garbage cans in the middle of the night.

Clearly mark all food and possessions that you wish to keep:

In our house, the definition of “personal property” is heavily disputed. If something is not loudly and clearly designated “off-limits,” or is securely locked and guarded, then that item will likely go missing at one time or another. This will almost always cause a state of unrest. For example, arguments over stolen Thanksgiving leftovers can ripen into house-wide witch hunts that are only settled after a great deal of shouting, finger-pointing and repeated threats to set fire to certain housemates in their sleep.

Try to establish a cleaning schedule:

Who am I kidding? This never works, especially if you live with a large group of people. “Cleaning” in our house usually involves a great deal of sitting around and lamenting the squalor that surrounds us. Those of us who suggest a cleaning session are initially met with resounding agreement from our housemates, but very little real action is ever taken to alter the state of the landfill that our house has become. Helpful hint: we’ve found that lining the floor with newspaper not only serves as a protective barrier for the carpet, but also gives our humble abode that chic “hamster-cage” ambiance that’s just so hard to pull off without a good interior decorator.

Hopefully, this column will help you make intelligent, informed choices when and if you decide to move out of the dorms and find a place to call your own in the heart of Binghamton’s fabulous West Side. The choice to live off campus can prove to be economically beneficial, and can provide students with a valuable chance to learn some personal responsibility. But mostly, it’s a great way to drink and do drugs without having to worry about the cops.

Matthew McFadden is a senior English and Arabic major. On a personal note: Kevin, Max is the one who stole your sesame chicken last month. Kick his ass.