Dear Swastika-drawing Haters (and any other haters out there),

When we first heard about your childish act of vandalism in Hinman College, we considered publicly condemning your actions. Well, it’s not like we were about to call for a public stoning or anything quite so severe, but we were none too pleased with you. However, after reading about the obviously well-intentioned BU evangelicals of 1988 (see Page 3), we here at Pipe Dream have taken it upon ourselves to save your souls.

That’s right — we’re lovers, not haters, so instead of yelling at you in this editorial, we’re going to nicely tell you how you must change your ways to ensure yourselves a spot in the kingdom of heaven (or Nirvana … or whichever lovely vision of the afterlife you believe in — as long as it’s the right one). Just follow these easy steps and you’ll be sure to redeem yourselves by next year’s drop deadline.

1. Don’t draw swastikas on someone else’s property. Or, for that matter, public property. And though we do realize that First Amendment that we love so dearly gives you the right to draw as many swastikas as you want on your own belongings, it really doesn’t make you look like such a nice person — people won’t want to be your friend, so we don’t recommend that one either.

2. Don’t draw or write any other hateful messages anywhere, either. There are certain words which are not nice to use (we don’t want to have to say them here, but you know which ones we mean), so don’t use them in speech or write them anywhere (cue flashback scene to last spring’s incident at University Plaza, in which ethnic obscenities were scrawled throughout the community).

3. Don’t hide behind immature and anonymous actions. While you may not agree with anything else we’ve said, at least take this to heart: no one can face an enemy they can’t see. If you have opinions you believe strongly in and you want to voice these opinions to the community, then do so in a way that allows for a constructive discourse to take place. Anonymously scrawled messages of hate on people’s posters or message boards are NOT examples of constructive discourse. If you feel the need to share these feelings with those around you, have the guts to stand behind what you’re saying and let them see your face.

So, with that said, if all you haters out there follow our simple advice, not only will BU be a nicer place for everyone, but you’ll be less likely to spend eternity rubbing tanning oil on Satan in front of the fires of hell.

P.S. — We also wanted to include a special little note to the person who felt it necessary to projectile-defecate all over the walls of the ladies’ room in the basement of the New University Union. Though this doesn’t quite qualify as a hate crime, we hated it. Please, never do that again. Thanks.